Autism & Applesauce

     As I've said before, one characteristic that can be present in autism is food sensitivities. One of the things I've never been able to eat is applesauce, even when I was a kid. I tried to make myself like it when I was younger. I wanted to like it. I couldn't do it. It made me gag. I couldn't stand the texture of it in my mouth. As I've grown older, some of my sensitivities have lessened. One of the ones that was always constant was applesauce. I remember an incident when I had low blood sugar and desperately needed a snack. All my friend had with her was, you guessed it, applesauce. I was refusing to eat it. She told me I was going to eat it, or she was going to force feed it to me. So I ate it, trying so hard not to let it touch my tongue. It was an awful process, and I hated it. 

     Well, today I got the urge to be brave. The kids I work with at the preschool were having applesauce as part of their lunch. I don't know what compelled me to do this, but I decided I was going to try to eat some it. I got a small portion on my plate and attempted my experiment. I managed to eat 6 bites of the applesauce before it started making me gag! That may not seem impressive or a big deal to you. But for me, it is a major personal victory! I was able to eat a little bit of a food I've never been able to eat without being in anguish. For a person with autism to gain a victory like this is considered a big step. It felt really good, especially because it was my idea to try it in the first place. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be eating applesauce anytime again soon, but it's not as bad as it used to be. That's something!

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Autism Awareness

     This fall, I started classes for a Bachelor's in Psychology. I love my Abnormal Psychology class because we talk about mental disorders. It makes me feel smart because I've done a lot of reading about mental disorders before I got into this class LOL. I was interested in them before I changed my major. The other day, we talked about Autism Spectrum Disorder. It felt good that I could help answer questions that came up in class, from personal experience and from research I've done. 

     However, all the questions asked made me remember that awareness still needs to raised. Maybe it was just my personal experience with autism, but the answers to the questions seemed so easy. It made me think that some people still don't know that much about autism. It kind of hit hard. Lately, I guess I've been around people who know about and understand my autism enough that they don't need to ask questions. Then in class, I remembered, "Oh yeah. Not everyone has seen autism personally. Some people don't understand." However, this little reminder was good for me because it reminded me that we still need to raise awareness for autism. It's one of the reasons I got my tattoo. To start conversations with people about autism. To get people interested and asking questions about it. Like I've always said since I was diagnosed, "I will be a voice."

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Bipolar Disorder

     Yesterday, at one of my 3-month psychiatric evaluations, I learned my "official" mood disorder diagnosis. It's Bipolar Disorder-NOS or Not Otherwise Specified. This means I have a lot of characteristics for a bipolar diagnosis, and I respond positively to a mood stabilizer. However, I haven't quite met all the criteria for any of the specific bipolar disorders yet...at least as far as they've seen. 
     It's interesting I still have this "label". Not Otherwise Specified is not used in the DSM anymore to name disorders. Now, it would be Unspecified Bipolar Disorder. The definition doesn't change, just the name. Personally, I think they changed it to shorten the name. Anyway, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a couple of years ago; before the current DSM manual came out. They still used the term NOS. Also, since the current DSM is so new, a lot of doctors still use the term.
     If anything, I still hold the belief that my diagnosis should be Bipolar II Disorder. I know myself pretty well and, well, I'm around myself more than they are LOL. I think I fit the criteria pretty well. Not that it matters. I love the medication I'm on. Whatever the specific type of disorder I have, the medication works for it. After years of failed medications, this is great. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

I Wish You Could Walk a Mile in My Shoes

I wish you could see what I see
I see the pattern of a leaf
And every blade of grass
I see all the colors of a painting
And each stroke of the brush

I like to look at the spinning fan
And the scenes that rush by
The window of the car
I like to watch a ball
As I roll it in front of my face

I don't like bright lights
Or when there are too many sights
I may not look into your eyes
Because they are filled
With things I may not understand

I wish you could hear what I hear
I hear the instruments of a song
And the animals calling out
I hear my mom and dad
When they say, "I love you."

I hear thunder in a storm
And the loud crash
Of something breaking on the floor
Those sounds pierce my ears
And I cover them with my hands

I hear you say my name
And when you laugh at me
I hear when you talk to me
And when you talk about me
I understand more than you think

I wish you could feel what I feel
Sometimes I feel happy and excited
I like to jump and bounce around
Or skip and run about
It gets all my energy out

Sometimes I feel scared, anxious, or frustrated
I may move my body in odd ways
Or scream and cry and hit
I may even lash out at people I love
I'm just trying to show you how I feel

I wish you could think how I think
I experience the world
Different than most people
Many people don't understand
Though they may try

I often stare off and want to be alone
People say I'm in my own world
Maybe I am
But how do you know I'm not also
Thinking, dreaming, inventing, creating, reflecting?

Anything I want to do, I can
If you just give me a chance
I may work on my own time
And I might need some help
But I am not limited

I have Autism
And this is my world
I want you to know
I am more than what you see
I am more than what you think

I wish you could experience
The world the way I do
And understand my point of view
It sure would help you if you
Could walk a mile in my shoes

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Protandim: Week Three

     I meant to write this yesterday but never got around to it. I've been on Protandim for 3 weeks now. There really haven't been any significant negative effects from it. I have experienced the common side effects from Protandim but not enough to decrease the dosage or stop taking all together. The only side effects are headaches (which I am used to anyway lol) and mild stomach upset. However, Protandim has made my stomach better in that I can go to the bathroom easier and more regularly. You're welcome for that information haha. But that's a big deal for me since I've had stomach problems since childhood.
     In my other posts, I mentioned that I may be going through a period of elevated mood called hypomania. Yesterday, my therapist agreed. So, Protandim was helping my concentration, energy, etc. Well, hypomania is affecting my concentration right now too but in the opposite way. Because of increased energy and agitation, it's hard to concentrate. My body wants to move most of the time, which is not convenient during class. The good thing is I have good insight into my condition, and I know the episode will pass soon.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Protandim: Week Two

     I am continuing to see slight improvements after starting Protandim. Thursday and Friday were a little rougher, but everyone has rough days. I think it may have been from coming down off the increased anxiety of taking two tests two days in a row. Then, of course, all the studying. After the weekend, I've been good and recharged. Not only do I have more energy and clarity of mind at work with the kids, my personality is coming out with them too. I like to be silly and random and joke around with my friends. I find myself being silly and kidding around and making them laugh on top of playing with them. Example: Today we were outside playing hide-and-seek. I was hiding and had a jacket in my hand. When the kids found me, I put the jacket over my head and said, "Shhh! I'm hiding! You can't see me." I kept doing it, and they took the jacket away from me haha. But it made them squeal with laughter. 
     Also, my anger episodes are still going down. It's amazing! I realized yesterday that I haven't thrown anything out of anger lately. That benefits not only me but also my walls haha. Granted, I did hit the wall last night, but I'm not that strong. So, not really damaging. Overall, getting better. And like I said, that's better than any prescription medication I've ever been on; and I've only been on this for two weeks. Awesome!
     However, like I said in my last post about Protandim, I have to be careful. I have a feeling I'm in a slight upward trend. I don't think all of it has to do with the Protandim. I'm noticing certain signs that I might be getting slightly above normal. Examples: Even with my nightly medications that usually put me to sleep, I find it hard to go to sleep. I'm getting less sleep, but haven't noticed the difference during the day. I have a desire to spend money on things I want; money that I'm not sure should be spent. Of course, I've mentioned I have increased energy. That might be from the Protandim, or it may not be. Don't know. 
     In any case, it could be a Bipolar II hypomanic episode. Not that troubling, to me anyway. Hypomania isn't nearly as bad as mania seen in Bipolar I. While mania can cause impairments in functioning, hypomania doesn't. People are usually able to function normally and just have this elevated mood; somewhere between normal happiness/excitement and full mania. Point is for me, we'll just wait and see.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Darn Wheat and Dairy

     Ok, so I should have written this post a while ago. I just never found the time. Most of my life, I have experienced a variety of symptoms and developed new ones that seemed unrelated. Examples: gastrointestinal problems, migraines, cluster headaches, chronic sinusitis, restless leg syndrome, irritability, and muscle aches. After doing extensive research, (because I do that kind of stuff LOL) I found something called Allergic Tension-Fatigue syndrome. It's when a food allergy doesn't cause a serious reaction but can cause symptoms like the ones I experience. 
     Since food allergy tests are really expensive, I decided to do an elimination diet. From observations, I had a feeling wheat might be the culprit. So I completely eliminated it from my diet. It was extremely hard. I had no idea how many foods had wheat in them. However, after a few weeks, I noticed the changes. I had more energy. The main thing was relief from my gastrointestinal problems. It was amazing! 
     Since completely eliminating wheat is really hard and expensive, I have decided to only eliminate the items that are mainly wheat (breads, pastas, crackers, cookies, cereals, etc.) It still helps, and I find a lot of good wheat- or gluten-free foods in stores. 
     I also discovered I have a mild lactose intolerance. However, it seems to seems to affect me when I drink regular milk or eat a lot of ice cream or yogurt. Because of this, I drink Silk milk. I've tried yogurts made with almond or soy milk, and I can't stand the texture. So I just stick to regular yogurt and try not to eat too much. It's the same with ice cream. I just watch how much I eat. 
     All these changes required some sacrifice, but it was all worth it so that I could feel better. I'm having to give up some of my favorite foods, but it's ok. I found out they were some of the ones making me feel bad. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Protandim: Week One

     I've been taking Protandim for a week now. Obviously, it's not long enough to see any major differences, but I am seeing and feeling some little differences. I seem to have more energy. I find it easier to play with kids at work at the preschool. I've been playing ball and chase. I'm able to engage more with the children and not feel so distant; like I'm behind glass. A few days, I felt I could run a mile...even though I'm out of shape lol. I have to be careful, though. Increased energy can be a sign of hypomania (between normal and mania) in Bipolar Disorder II. In case you didn't know, that's my diagnosis. Bipolar Disorder I is what people think of when you say "bipolar". Bipolar Disorder II is less severe, and people recognize it less often.
     Anyway, back to Protandim. I been able to concentrate a little better. I've taken two tests the week I've been on Protandim. Before Protandim, even though I would take my tests alone, I would have to take breaks or lay my head down. This week, I finished my tests without taking breaks. I'm also able to actively pay attention and participate in class and discussions. I'm even able to sit through my entire 3 hour evening class that lasts until 9:00.
     I'm also seeing a slight drop in anger episodes. Some of the little things that would've normally set me off I've been able to ignore. No prescription medication has been able to do that yet...not even my mood stabilizer! I can't wait to see what happens in the next few weeks with Protandim.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I'm a human being with feelings, like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Protandim

     So I've started taking this pretty cool new supplement called Protandim. What makes this supplement different from the others, you say? 3 things: glutathione, oxidative stress, and free radicals. I realize you probably have no idea what those are, but I'll explain. 
    As we age and become exposed to toxins, stress, radiation, pollution, and other harmful things, our cells are damaged. This is known as oxidative stress. Free radicals are the little tiny molecules that cause the damage. Studies have found that this damage is the cause of many chronic diseases and cancers as well as aging.  Protandim helps to reduce oxidative stress by reducing the number of free radicals in your body. It's showing promising results in slowing aging and improving chronic conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes, Parkinson's, and many others. 
     So what about this other thing I mentioned: glutathione? Glad you asked. Glutathione is an essential enzyme that supports almost every system in the human body, especially the immune system, nervous system, gastrointestinal system, and lungs. Research has shown that people on the autism spectrum have lower levels of this essential enzyme. People with bipolar disorder have also shown to have lower levels of glutathione. Having both autism and bipolar disorder, it is very possible I have lower levels of this enzyme. Research also shows that people with lower levels of glutathione might have a defect in a specific gene. They can't make enough glutathione. It's been said up to half of us have some kind of defect in this gene, and it causes all kinds of chronic diseases and cancers. Protandim helps increase antioxidants needed to produce glutathione. 
     I have high hopes that Protandim will work for me and will improve my autism and bipolar symptoms. I would encourage everyone to try this supplement, even if you don't suffer from a chronic condition. Even healthy people have some level of oxidative stress; it's just not as high as those of us with chronic conditions.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~ 

My New Tattoo: Embrace Autism

     So two weeks ago, I got a new tattoo. It's a butterfly with 3 visible wings. One is blue, one is red, and the other is yellow. The body of the butterfly is green. They are the colors usually associated with Autism Awareness. Below the butterfly, it says "Embrace Autism." I've wanted the tattoo for a while but just wasn't brave enough to get it. I also didn't have the money. My cousin was going to do it for me for free. However, he recently lost his job and couldn't afford the ink. 

    Then my brother ended up getting a tattoo (without telling my parents lol). He gave me the card of the guy who did it, saying he was really good. Also, my parents didn't kill him when they found out about his tattoo. I decided to at least go down to the shop and get an estimate. When I got there, we talked about it and the artist told me he could do it that night. I said, "Why not?" 

     Some of my friends couldn't believe I had actually gotten a tattoo. However, everyone seems to like it. It's also a great conversation starter with people I don't even know. They come up and ask me about autism and the purpose behind my tattoo. That's exactly why I got it. I want people to start conversations with me about autism. I want to raise awareness about autism and to show people that autism may not present the ways they think it will. Some people see my tattoo and ask if I have autism. I want them to ask. A lot of people are surprised when they find out I have autism. I want them to know autism looks different in each person. And just like my tattoo says, I want people not only to be aware of autism but to embrace it as well.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I have am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Finally Understanding True Empathy

     As you probably know, empathy is something that people on the autism spectrum struggle with. We have a hard time putting ourselves in another person's place and understanding how they feel in a particular situation. I'm no exception. Normally, unless I've experienced a situation like the one you're going through, I don't know how you feel. This makes it very difficult for me to comfort you and give you advice or encouragement. This is especially true at funerals.
     Last week, my aunt (my dad's sister) passed away. It was expected but still very hard. The days before she passed were very emotional. However, in the midst of all that, I was able to do something I don't think I've ever done before. I saw my family members from different perspectives. I saw them in different roles other than what they were in relation to me. This became more than just me and my loss. It wasn't just me that was losing an aunt. 
     When I looked at my dad, he wasn't just my dad. I saw a brother who was losing his sister. When I looked at my grandparents, I saw parents who were losing their child. Parents shouldn't have to bury their child, no matter how old they are. When I looked at my older cousins, I saw children that were losing their mother. When I looked at my other aunt, I saw a sister who was losing her sister. When I looked at my younger cousins, I saw little children who were losing their grandmother. They are so young. Some of them are around the age I was when I lost my other grandma to cancer. I don't remember much of her anymore. When I look at them, I can't help but think, "How much will they remember of her?" I know they don't really understand what was going on. 
     During this process, I cried...a lot. I cried hard and long several times. But it's not so much my loss I cry for. It's more for the pain and hurt I share with my loved ones, and the loss they feel. And even though I haven't lost my brother or a sister or my mom or children, I felt their pain as if I had. That's when it hit me. That is what true empathy is: being able to share another person's grief, sadness, pain, joy, happiness, excitement, or whatever the feeling may be even if you haven't experienced what they're experiencing. Being able to see the situation from that person's point of view instead of your own. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Regulating Emotions: Asperger's+Bipolar

     For everyone, emotions can be hard to deal with. They can be a pain sometimes and can get in the way. But for people on the autism spectrum, it's even harder. Our brain has trouble communicating with itself. Haha think about that; your brain talks to itself. Anyway, the brain of a person with autism has trouble communicating with itself, which is part of the reason we have trouble communicating with other people. It also means we have trouble with emotions; other people's and our own. It's why we have a hard time empathizing or taking the perspective of another person. It's why we may lash out when angry and later feel extremely sorry. It's why when we feel overwhelmed, we have unpredictable meltdowns. Sometimes, we don't know how to handle the emotions. Now, imagine having all those to deal with autism and also having bipolar disorder.
     Having bipolar disorder feels like someone put your emotions on one of those elevator rides at the amusement park. The ones that take you high in the air and, without warning, drop you. When you think you're going to hit the ground, it shoots you back up again. Those rides eventually stop; being bipolar doesn't. 
     I have both Asperger's and bipolar disorder. It can be hard to control my emotions or, at least, not let them show right on my face. I can't hide my emotions at all, and I wear my heart clearly on my sleeve. For me, trying to hide them would only make it worse. My emotions drain me as it is, especially being angry or overwhelmed. Those are the hardest. Frustration and anger give me headaches, and I can't think clearly. When I'm around other people and I'm close to my boiling point, it takes a lot of self control to not yell and curse and slam things down. When I'm alone, though, I let lose. No one is around to see or hear. When I get overwhelmed, it results in what they call a meltdown. Every person with autism melts down differently. Ever since I was young, I can remember crying for long periods of time when I got overwhelmed. I would be inconsolable and couldn't explain why I was crying. I could barely talk at all during those times actually. It's still the same today. I've cried for up to an hour and a half at times. 
     An example of my anger and being overwhelmed happened today, back to back. This is rare, but it happens. My computer's Tab key has been sticky for a while so I took it off to see if I could fix it. Well, then I couldn't get it back on. I tried for probably 15 minutes, getting angrier and angrier in the process. I started yelling, cursing, and hitting my keyboard. Finally, I broke the key in two and threw it across the room. Getting so angry had given me a headache, and I was breathing hard. I curled up and buried my face in my hands. That's when I started crying. It didn't help that my week consisted of being sick and stressful days of working with kids. Thankfully, it only lasted about 15 or 20 minutes. 
     This may sound crazy to you, but it's nothing compared to how it was during the onset of my bipolar disorder. It's also a lot better since they found the right medication. It has slowed down that amusement park ride to something that is manageable. While regulating emotions can be hard for me, it's not as bad as it used to be. Stories like the one above only happen rarely now, and I deal with them as best I can when they come. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~