It's been a long while since I've posted on this blog. Life has been crazy busy but good, filled with changes, some good and some not-so-good. Unfortunately, the post I come back to this blog with is a not-so-good change in my life. However, I've been wanted to write about this for weeks, and I think it needs to be shared. So here we go.
For those that don't know, my long-time boyfriend, Tommy, and I broke up. I was devastated at first...and then I wasn't. Sure, I was still sad at times because I still remembered some of the good times we had, but I wasn't a wreck. I went on a Walk to Emmaus and finally grasped the vast amount of love God has for me and what it means to be the bride of Christ. I saw strangers become good friends in three short days and felt the love of people who didn't even know me or had just met me. I told them about our recent break up and how I felt like I wasted two and a half years of my life believing I had found the love of my life only to have him take that away from me in a matter of a few minutes over the phone. However, someone told nothing is ever a waste of time and that God had a plan for me. She told me to ask God what He was trying to teach me through that relationship, and I have. This is what He's shown me.
Even though I'm now mad at Tommy for how he ended things and for things he's done after our break up, even though I would never take him back, I have to admit our relationship was good while we were together and it did teach me some things. It taught me how to be intimate again. And I mean just simple intimacy. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing. I already have trouble with touch as it is, being on the Autism spectrum and everything. Then because of everything that's happened in relationships in my past, it got worse. I was jumpy, touchy, pushed guys away when they even came close to touching me. I refused intimacy because all it had done was hurt me. Until this relationship. Tommy showed me that intimacy doesn't hurt; it isn't supposed to. I can set boundaries, and they will be respected. Manipulation and intimacy are not a set and not everyone is manipulative. I was no longer afraid or anxious or suspicious when it came to intimacy.
I learned to trust again. Being in this relationship showed me that I had built up tall, thick walls and had deep insecurities all because of my past. Tommy knew about all of them and didn't make me feel belittled or stupid about any of them. He understood them, and we tried to work through them together. Little by little, my walls came down, and I saw that not every guy was manipulative. Not every guy was going to treat me like I was helpless or unworthy of his feelings or that I needed him. Tommy reminded me often that he knew I didn't need him, that I was an independent woman, and he liked that.
I learned I was worthy of love. You may be thinking that one is obvious; however, when you've been in manipulative, abusive relationships, you don't feel worthy of real love. Those guys make you feel low, helpless, and trapped. You start to think you will never find anyone who is good and that you will never be good enough for anyone. So to find someone who treats you right and makes you feel worthy of love is a shock at first. Then it's great.
I learned I can be accepted for who I am. I don't care what you say, I'm a weird person. I also have a lot of things I'm scared to tell people for fear of being judged or making them run away, such as my Asperger's or bipolar disorder. They carry stereotypes and stigmas with them, unfairly, and sometimes people judge too quickly. They don't take the time to get to know the person behind the label. Tommy didn't care. I told him all this stuff and he shrugged it off. Said okay, we would deal with it together, and that labels don't define people. That's when I knew I could be accepted for who I was. I could be open because he wouldn't turn away at something I told him.
Finally, I learned how to communicate. All my past relationships consisted of fighting, walking away when angry, and silence. Tommy made me talk to him. He didn't let me shut down. He didn't let me stay angry or walk away. If I yelled, he didn't yell back. Because of this, I learned how to communicate better. I learned that things can be resolved better and don't have to escalate. I learned how to express my feelings better and more clearly.
I still believe things happen for a reason. I used to believe we were meant to be together forever and we'd get married and have a family. However, now I'm learning that maybe God had different intentions for our relationship. Maybe he just needed to teach me some lessons so I could have a healthy relationship with my actual future husband. God works in mysterious ways. His hands are in everything, and I can't wait to see where He's leading me in this part of my life.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me
