For everyone, emotions can be hard to deal with. They can be a pain sometimes and can get in the way. But for people on the autism spectrum, it's even harder. Our brain has trouble communicating with itself. Haha think about that; your brain talks to itself. Anyway, the brain of a person with autism has trouble communicating with itself, which is part of the reason we have trouble communicating with other people. It also means we have trouble with emotions; other people's and our own. It's why we have a hard time empathizing or taking the perspective of another person. It's why we may lash out when angry and later feel extremely sorry. It's why when we feel overwhelmed, we have unpredictable meltdowns. Sometimes, we don't know how to handle the emotions. Now, imagine having all those to deal with autism and also having bipolar disorder.
Having bipolar disorder feels like someone put your emotions on one of those elevator rides at the amusement park. The ones that take you high in the air and, without warning, drop you. When you think you're going to hit the ground, it shoots you back up again. Those rides eventually stop; being bipolar doesn't.
I have both Asperger's and bipolar disorder. It can be hard to control my emotions or, at least, not let them show right on my face. I can't hide my emotions at all, and I wear my heart clearly on my sleeve. For me, trying to hide them would only make it worse. My emotions drain me as it is, especially being angry or overwhelmed. Those are the hardest. Frustration and anger give me headaches, and I can't think clearly. When I'm around other people and I'm close to my boiling point, it takes a lot of self control to not yell and curse and slam things down. When I'm alone, though, I let lose. No one is around to see or hear. When I get overwhelmed, it results in what they call a meltdown. Every person with autism melts down differently. Ever since I was young, I can remember crying for long periods of time when I got overwhelmed. I would be inconsolable and couldn't explain why I was crying. I could barely talk at all during those times actually. It's still the same today. I've cried for up to an hour and a half at times.
An example of my anger and being overwhelmed happened today, back to back. This is rare, but it happens. My computer's Tab key has been sticky for a while so I took it off to see if I could fix it. Well, then I couldn't get it back on. I tried for probably 15 minutes, getting angrier and angrier in the process. I started yelling, cursing, and hitting my keyboard. Finally, I broke the key in two and threw it across the room. Getting so angry had given me a headache, and I was breathing hard. I curled up and buried my face in my hands. That's when I started crying. It didn't help that my week consisted of being sick and stressful days of working with kids. Thankfully, it only lasted about 15 or 20 minutes.
This may sound crazy to you, but it's nothing compared to how it was during the onset of my bipolar disorder. It's also a lot better since they found the right medication. It has slowed down that amusement park ride to something that is manageable. While regulating emotions can be hard for me, it's not as bad as it used to be. Stories like the one above only happen rarely now, and I deal with them as best I can when they come.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
