Saturday, December 13, 2014

Don't Let Them See You Cry

     I get asked many questions about Asperger's, and I welcome them. As long as people are willing to learn and understand, I am willing to answer questions. Recently, I was asked if I accepted comfort from other people when I'm upset. The reason behind the question, I suspect, is that a characteristic of autism can be that the person isn't comforted by others in times of distress, like meltdowns. My answer: It depends.
     I'm one of those people that hates it when other people see me cry. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when someone cries, people ask what's wrong. If I'm crying, it's usually because I'm sad, angry, overwhelmed, or in a complete meltdown. In any case, my brain either completely shuts down, or it goes into hyper speed. When my brain shuts down, I can't think. When it's going a hundred miles an hour, I can't keep up. Either way, I can't tell you what's wrong in any coherent fashion. Maybe that's why I try to just avoid it all together and not cry at all. 
     However, if I have cried around you, it's because I trust you. It means you've known me long enough or well enough to know how hard emotions are for me. It means you know that expressing my emotions, especially when upset, can be difficult for me. It means you understand how my mind works, and that you have to be patient if you want answers. It means I know I don't have to hide anything from you or pretend I'm okay when I'm not. Although, this isn't the only way to know that I trust you Lol. So don't feel bad if I haven't cried around you yet; I just don't cry that much haha. 
     The other part about being comforted is the physical contact, like hugs or pats on the back. Like I said last post, I like hugs. However, when I'm upset, especially in a complete meltdown, that sensitivity to touch is very high. Again, it usually depends on how upset I am. If I'm just a little upset or down-in-the-dumps, I'll usually accept a hug or something. Somewhere in the middle of a little upset and really upset, I can usually only stand those I'm close to to give me hugs or comfort me. When I'm really upset, like meltdown upset, nobody touches me. I don't even like those I'm close to to give me hugs or anything. If you're ever unsure whether it would be okay to give me a hug when I'm upset, ask. I can at least handle a yes or no question Lol. 
     So this might explain why a person with autism having a meltdown gets worse when you touch them. Even if you're trying to help and comfort them. If they don't want to be touched, don't touch them. Let them process things. If they want to be comforted, comfort them. They will let you know. If you're not sure, ask. How else will you learn and understand?

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Give Me A Hug!

     We've talked before about how people with autism can have sensitivities to sensory stimuli. In the last post, we looked at how sensitivity to touch can influence the things I wear. Today I want to talk about how sensitivity to touch influences my interactions with other people.
     I get asked about hugging a lot. It usually goes something like, "So since you're so sensitive to touch, you probably don't like hugs right?" Or "I thought you didn't like to be touched; you like hugs?" A lot of the time, people misunderstand what I mean when I say I'm sensitive to touch. Light touch bothers me; however, I have a high pain tolerance. I have two tattoos...on the under parts of my lower arms of all places. You could hit me, and it would hurt less than if you brushed up against me. Light touch or brushing up against me feels like someone set ants loose under my skin. It makes my skin crawl. However, when most people hug, they don't do it very lightly. When most people hug, they do it tight enough that it doesn't bother me. I actually like hugs. Getting a hug on a bad day can make it better. Getting a hug any day is good :) Nevertheless, I have to be expecting the hug. People can't just come up, grab me, and hug me. My body instinctively does one of two things: stiffens up and tries to fight back or goes limp and tries to escape. It's a fight or flight response, and I can't help it. However, if I'm expecting you to hug me or if I hug you, it's all cool. 
     What I don't like are handshakes when I first meet someone. Can we adopt a custom from another culture in which we don't have to touch each other when introducing ourselves? This is where my autism and OCD mix together. Sometimes, I don't like shaking people's hands because they are sweaty, rough, or they grip my hand too tight. However, it's also because I know how dirty people's hands are. I shake people's hands because I don't want to be rude. I don't like it, though. I'd rather find another way to introduce myself to them. Like...bowing. Maybe we could start bowing to each other. Lol
     My sensitivities get worse when my anxiety is higher. It's like my mind thinks it has to be on high alert, which makes me more sensitive to everything. For example, when meet new people or being in a big crowd, my sensitivity to touch will be worse. It's rather unfortunate actually. Being in bigger crowds increases the chances of someone brushing up against you. I know that, and that just raises my anxiety even more. It's a vicious cycle. However, the more comfortable and calm I am, the less it bothers me. For example, when I'm around my family or at my own home. Anxiety is low situations like that. My mind doesn't feel the need to protect itself, and I'm less sensitive to things. 
     I hope I explained that well enough today Lol. Just because a person with autism is sensitive to touch doesn't mean they don't like hugs and affection. Just because we might have a high tolerance for pain doesn't mean it doesn't bother us when you brush up against us. Just because we like some forms of physical contact (hugs) doesn't mean we like others (handshakes). This is why it's important to get to know the person with autism. You can't just learn about autism in general. Autism looks different in each person. I am a person with autism; I am not a diagnosis. It's like they say, "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~