So my semester at school is coming to an end, which is really stressful. Projects are due, grades have to be maintained, finals to worry about...it's all so crazy! With the increasing stress comes regression into autism. Let me explain.
In times of regression, my autism gets worse. Social situations are harder to be in. Verbal communication becomes even more difficult. I am more easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. My repetitive behaviors come out more often and are more severe. I need more time to myself away from other people. I can get irritable and have meltdowns quicker as well. Concentration and memory suffer, which is not good considering the importance of finals. These are just some of the things that happen in regression. It is actually a complex concept that even I'm still learning about. It's even hard to explain to some of my friends and loved ones. Some of them just don't understand how I can function so good some days, and then some days I can barely function at all. However, there are a few people in my life that understand very well. I consider them all very close friends, and I'm very grateful for their love and support.
Anyway, I can feel myself going down that road. I can feel myself regressing as finals draw closer and closer. I have more days of it being difficult to find the words to speak. I'm having a harder time being around people that aren't close friends or family. I have no desire or ability to meet new people at all, which our church group intern is insisting I do lately. Staying focused in class is really difficult and remembering stuff for tests is even harder. My already overactive senses are even more heightened, which means sensory overload more often. My stimming, or repetitive, behaviors have also increased, like moving my hands, rocking, hair twirling, jumping around, etc. Hopefully, once the semester ends, everything will calm down a little bit, and my autism will improve again.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Monday, November 21, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Mild Meltdown
Yesterday was not a good day for me at all. It was worse than a typical Monday. First of all, I only got about 5 hours of sleep. Then at lunch, I'm a leader at the college Baptist Student Ministry. I was happy with greeting people at the door because it required superficial interaction. However, one of our interns insisted I actually sit down and have conversations with people. I was so not in the mood for this or her persistence. So I picked an easy person to talk to...the speaker. I knew that if she could speak in front of people, she'd be willing to speak to me.
Then I had to go take a test in Anatomy & Physiology. Even though I studied, the test was still hard. After my test, I saw one of my guy friends in the hall and talked to him. We made plans to go look at apartments together, but we were going to meet at his apartment first. This meant I had to be around the "friend" that has been giving me a hard time about my autism and seizures lately (the one I mentioned in my last post). Luckily, my other friends were there, and that's why I keep going over there. Well, we didn't end up going to look for apartments because he had to go to a dinner date.
Anyway, while I was there, I'm pretty sure my "friend" that keeps patronizing me was talking behind my back. I didn't hear exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure my name was said. I asked my other friend what was going on; why she didn't seem to like me anymore. I asked why she was treating me different than she had before. She said she didn't really know, but that it was probably that my seizures and autism freaked her out; that she wasn't used to them. I said that it wasn't my fault, and that I couldn't help it. She said she knew that, but that our other friend just didn't understand. She told me to just ignore her and to remember I had plenty of other friends there that understood me and loved me for who I was. I told her I was trying to ignore her, but it was hard because her attitude was making it awkward and tense between us when I was around her.
When I left, I went to Alpha (my Monday night Bible study). The whole situation was eating away at my mind. By the time I got to Alpha, my anxiety and anger were extremely high, and my brain could not function enough so that I could talk to people. When everyone else sat down in the group, I stood along the back wall, away from everyone else. Lucky for me, one of my friends knows sign language, and we communicated across the room. She eventually got me to go sit down beside her. After the Bible study, I was "talking" to her about my day. I was using my phone to communicate because talking still would've taken too much brain function. I was telling her why I was so stressed out and about my "friend" being so patronizing. She empathized with me and prayed with me.
When I got in my truck to drive home, I went into my meltdown. I just couldn't stand the anxiety of the day anymore. I was so overwhelmed. I was crying uncontrollably and loudly. Sometimes in mild meltdowns, I do things that some might consider self-injurious behaviors. These usually include chewing on my fingers, fingernails, or the back of my hands. It's because in a meltdown, my pain tolerance and need for sensory input is much higher. I also don't realize I'm doing it most of the time. It doesn't hurt me and is usually not a big deal because I don't mutilate my skin or anything.
I was crying so hard, it was choking me to the point that I would cough and gag. It took me the whole way home to calm down, which takes about 30 minutes. Keep in mind, that's just a mild meltdown. When people leave me alone or know how to intervene effectively, meltdowns will usually only be mild. However, when people won't leave me alone or don't know how to intervene effectively and end up raising my anxiety, the meltdown could be worse. It also just makes me feel worse emotionally and physically. When I got home at 10pm, I fell asleep for 2 hours. I woke up and tried to go back to sleep. After lying there for an hour, I gave up. I didn't go back to sleep again until 3am.
So, that was my Monday. Crazy!
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Then I had to go take a test in Anatomy & Physiology. Even though I studied, the test was still hard. After my test, I saw one of my guy friends in the hall and talked to him. We made plans to go look at apartments together, but we were going to meet at his apartment first. This meant I had to be around the "friend" that has been giving me a hard time about my autism and seizures lately (the one I mentioned in my last post). Luckily, my other friends were there, and that's why I keep going over there. Well, we didn't end up going to look for apartments because he had to go to a dinner date.
Anyway, while I was there, I'm pretty sure my "friend" that keeps patronizing me was talking behind my back. I didn't hear exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure my name was said. I asked my other friend what was going on; why she didn't seem to like me anymore. I asked why she was treating me different than she had before. She said she didn't really know, but that it was probably that my seizures and autism freaked her out; that she wasn't used to them. I said that it wasn't my fault, and that I couldn't help it. She said she knew that, but that our other friend just didn't understand. She told me to just ignore her and to remember I had plenty of other friends there that understood me and loved me for who I was. I told her I was trying to ignore her, but it was hard because her attitude was making it awkward and tense between us when I was around her.
When I left, I went to Alpha (my Monday night Bible study). The whole situation was eating away at my mind. By the time I got to Alpha, my anxiety and anger were extremely high, and my brain could not function enough so that I could talk to people. When everyone else sat down in the group, I stood along the back wall, away from everyone else. Lucky for me, one of my friends knows sign language, and we communicated across the room. She eventually got me to go sit down beside her. After the Bible study, I was "talking" to her about my day. I was using my phone to communicate because talking still would've taken too much brain function. I was telling her why I was so stressed out and about my "friend" being so patronizing. She empathized with me and prayed with me.
When I got in my truck to drive home, I went into my meltdown. I just couldn't stand the anxiety of the day anymore. I was so overwhelmed. I was crying uncontrollably and loudly. Sometimes in mild meltdowns, I do things that some might consider self-injurious behaviors. These usually include chewing on my fingers, fingernails, or the back of my hands. It's because in a meltdown, my pain tolerance and need for sensory input is much higher. I also don't realize I'm doing it most of the time. It doesn't hurt me and is usually not a big deal because I don't mutilate my skin or anything.
I was crying so hard, it was choking me to the point that I would cough and gag. It took me the whole way home to calm down, which takes about 30 minutes. Keep in mind, that's just a mild meltdown. When people leave me alone or know how to intervene effectively, meltdowns will usually only be mild. However, when people won't leave me alone or don't know how to intervene effectively and end up raising my anxiety, the meltdown could be worse. It also just makes me feel worse emotionally and physically. When I got home at 10pm, I fell asleep for 2 hours. I woke up and tried to go back to sleep. After lying there for an hour, I gave up. I didn't go back to sleep again until 3am.
So, that was my Monday. Crazy!
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Friday, November 4, 2011
Autism Awareness
The other day, I encountered something I haven't had to deal with in a while...a person who didn't understand autism. It's always discouraging to me when I come across a person like this, especially when they are a friend of mine. So, the other day, I was having a bad day when it comes to my autism, and my characteristics were showing up more. I was having significant difficulty communicating with others and, in fact, didn't want to speak at all if I could help it. I was also expressing stimming behaviors like rocking and bouncing. My friend's anxiety was also increasing, as she had never seen this in me before. She kept asking me to stop, and I would try. However, the more I tried, the more anxious I became. Therefore, the more the behaviors continued. One of my other friends, who understands my autism very well, was standing up for me and trying to explain to her what was going on. She was also making jokes at our friend so as to lessen the tension (she was not making jokes at me.)
A couple days later, I was talking to this friend about this episode that she seemed to have a problem with. She confessed that she was a little freaked out and annoyed with the episode displayed. She said she's been around autistic people, but I still don't think she fully understands that not all autistic people are alike. I tried my best to explain. She said that I needed to learn to control the episodes. What she doesn't understand is that they are an involuntary response to extreme frustration, stress, overstimulation, being overwhelmed, or things like that. I've tried to, in the past, "control" them or "just ignore" them, but it doesn't work. If I try to go on like normal in these times, my anxiety level will rise to dangerous levels and could cause a meltdown or shutdown, which she definitely doesn't want to see. I'll talk about meltdowns and shutdowns in autism and Asperger's in another post some other time, as they are a very complex topic.
Anyway, seeing I wasn't going to get through to her in the current conversation we were having, I ended up apologizing to her for annoying her and freaking her out! However, I feel now that I shouldn't have had to apologize to her for anything. Autism is a part of who I am. It always has been, and it always will be. This is why awareness needs to be raised about autism, for children and adults both. Nobody with autism should have to apologize or be antagonized for having autism or displaying the behaviors that go along with it, especially if they aren't harming anyone. I hope one day I can get her and all others to understand what we as autistics deal with on a daily basis. Help us spread awareness of autism and its signs.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
A couple days later, I was talking to this friend about this episode that she seemed to have a problem with. She confessed that she was a little freaked out and annoyed with the episode displayed. She said she's been around autistic people, but I still don't think she fully understands that not all autistic people are alike. I tried my best to explain. She said that I needed to learn to control the episodes. What she doesn't understand is that they are an involuntary response to extreme frustration, stress, overstimulation, being overwhelmed, or things like that. I've tried to, in the past, "control" them or "just ignore" them, but it doesn't work. If I try to go on like normal in these times, my anxiety level will rise to dangerous levels and could cause a meltdown or shutdown, which she definitely doesn't want to see. I'll talk about meltdowns and shutdowns in autism and Asperger's in another post some other time, as they are a very complex topic.
Anyway, seeing I wasn't going to get through to her in the current conversation we were having, I ended up apologizing to her for annoying her and freaking her out! However, I feel now that I shouldn't have had to apologize to her for anything. Autism is a part of who I am. It always has been, and it always will be. This is why awareness needs to be raised about autism, for children and adults both. Nobody with autism should have to apologize or be antagonized for having autism or displaying the behaviors that go along with it, especially if they aren't harming anyone. I hope one day I can get her and all others to understand what we as autistics deal with on a daily basis. Help us spread awareness of autism and its signs.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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