Yesterday was not a good day for me at all. It was worse than a typical Monday. First of all, I only got about 5 hours of sleep. Then at lunch, I'm a leader at the college Baptist Student Ministry. I was happy with greeting people at the door because it required superficial interaction. However, one of our interns insisted I actually sit down and have conversations with people. I was so not in the mood for this or her persistence. So I picked an easy person to talk to...the speaker. I knew that if she could speak in front of people, she'd be willing to speak to me.
Then I had to go take a test in Anatomy & Physiology. Even though I studied, the test was still hard. After my test, I saw one of my guy friends in the hall and talked to him. We made plans to go look at apartments together, but we were going to meet at his apartment first. This meant I had to be around the "friend" that has been giving me a hard time about my autism and seizures lately (the one I mentioned in my last post). Luckily, my other friends were there, and that's why I keep going over there. Well, we didn't end up going to look for apartments because he had to go to a dinner date.
Anyway, while I was there, I'm pretty sure my "friend" that keeps patronizing me was talking behind my back. I didn't hear exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure my name was said. I asked my other friend what was going on; why she didn't seem to like me anymore. I asked why she was treating me different than she had before. She said she didn't really know, but that it was probably that my seizures and autism freaked her out; that she wasn't used to them. I said that it wasn't my fault, and that I couldn't help it. She said she knew that, but that our other friend just didn't understand. She told me to just ignore her and to remember I had plenty of other friends there that understood me and loved me for who I was. I told her I was trying to ignore her, but it was hard because her attitude was making it awkward and tense between us when I was around her.
When I left, I went to Alpha (my Monday night Bible study). The whole situation was eating away at my mind. By the time I got to Alpha, my anxiety and anger were extremely high, and my brain could not function enough so that I could talk to people. When everyone else sat down in the group, I stood along the back wall, away from everyone else. Lucky for me, one of my friends knows sign language, and we communicated across the room. She eventually got me to go sit down beside her. After the Bible study, I was "talking" to her about my day. I was using my phone to communicate because talking still would've taken too much brain function. I was telling her why I was so stressed out and about my "friend" being so patronizing. She empathized with me and prayed with me.
When I got in my truck to drive home, I went into my meltdown. I just couldn't stand the anxiety of the day anymore. I was so overwhelmed. I was crying uncontrollably and loudly. Sometimes in mild meltdowns, I do things that some might consider self-injurious behaviors. These usually include chewing on my fingers, fingernails, or the back of my hands. It's because in a meltdown, my pain tolerance and need for sensory input is much higher. I also don't realize I'm doing it most of the time. It doesn't hurt me and is usually not a big deal because I don't mutilate my skin or anything.
I was crying so hard, it was choking me to the point that I would cough and gag. It took me the whole way home to calm down, which takes about 30 minutes. Keep in mind, that's just a mild meltdown. When people leave me alone or know how to intervene effectively, meltdowns will usually only be mild. However, when people won't leave me alone or don't know how to intervene effectively and end up raising my anxiety, the meltdown could be worse. It also just makes me feel worse emotionally and physically. When I got home at 10pm, I fell asleep for 2 hours. I woke up and tried to go back to sleep. After lying there for an hour, I gave up. I didn't go back to sleep again until 3am.
So, that was my Monday. Crazy!
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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