Wow! The title says it all; it has definitely been a crazy week. On Tuesday, I was in a car accident. It was a three car pile up. They took me and another lady by ambulance to the hospital. She hit her steering wheel and had chest pain. I was having pain in my neck, head, and back. They put us both on those straight boards, which did not make the pain any better. We also got the neck braces and tape over our heads. My airbag had come out during the crash too and hit me square in the face. It was not fun at all! It was also annoying because every person that came to evaluate me asked me the same questions. I thought, "I'm pretty sure they already wrote them down; just look at my chart." Anyway, they did x-rays of my neck and back to make sure nothing was broken or out of place. They finally took me off the straight board and took the tape off my head after about 2 hours. That hurt! I thought they were about to wax my eyebrows haha. I had to keep the neck brace on the entire time though. On top of all that, one of my machines kept freaking out (probably b/c I was texting people LOL). But it was beeping loudly, like I was having trouble. A nurse came in the first time and reset it. Well, it started freaking out again. This time, though, it took like 10 minutes before someone came in there to reset it. I thought, "What if I really was in trouble and no one was coming in here?" I had even pushed my nurse button. We finally got out of there around 11 pm (the wreck happened at about 5:30 pm). I managed to escape with only strained back and neck muscles and a broken fingernail. I count my blessings and thank God for that!
On Thursday, I went in to see my new psychiatric team for the second time. I told them how I have been feeling over the past few weeks since I've seen them last. I told them of my severe mood swings and how I feel the medication I was put on a month ago has made those swings worse. When I first saw them, they had suggested the possibility of a bipolar disorder. However, they waited. What they didn't know is they aren't the first doctors to suspect a bipolar disorder. They finally considered treating me for bipolar disorder this time. They think the disorder could be mild, but I could still have it. They put me on Lamictal, which is used as a mood stabilizer but can also be used as a seizure medication. I don't have the medication yet b/c the pharmacy has to order it, but I hope it works. These last few weeks have been such a roller coaster. More updates will be coming soon.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Friday, September 30, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Shut That Horn Up!
Ok, so I went to my younger brother's football game tonight. I love football and watching my younger brother. This game, however, wasn't so delightful. First of all, my brother didn't even get to play much because he got hurt last week. Last week, we were afraid he may have broken the smaller bone of the lower leg. Luckily, we found out he just has a deep muscle bruise. He still has some pain, though.
Second, we had to drive almost 3 hours to get to the town we were playing in. It was such a long car ride. Lucky for me, riding in the car puts me in some kind of trance, and I can just stare out of the window forever. And that's pretty much what I did while listening to the radio. Third, it was just a bad game. The refs were horrible. They were making terrible calls, and we just couldn't get a break.
However, the worst thing for me was the horn the other team kept blasting every time they scored. It was so loud! Even a normal person would find this horn hard to tolerate after a while. However, if you're someone on the autism spectrum, like me, it makes your toes curl every time. Each time they scored, I prepared myself and covered my ears because I just couldn't stand the sound. Imagine my surprise the first time they blew it. I had no idea it was coming and couldn't prepare myself. Also, the other team scored 71 points. That's a lot of times to blow that horn, even in football! By the end of the game, I wanted to go over there and break that horn. That's just one example of the sensitive hearing I have as an Aspie.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Barrier Goes Back Up
Today, I had the first autistic episode I've had in quite a while. During these times, the symptoms of my autism worsen. I usually can't speak very much, if at all. My senses become even more heightened than they usually are. I start to do more of the stereotypical, repetitive behaviors associated with autism. My anxiety levels rise as well. I've often wondered why I can seem almost normal sometimes and then have episodes like these. Therapists have said it's most likely due to extreme anxiety. It's already hard for my brain to communicate and function normally. So stress and anxiety makes it even harder to function.
So, for some reason today, I was in an autistic episode. Sometimes, I don't know what causes them. They just happen. This seemed to be one of those times. Today was just simply overwhelming and a "Monday". Yoga class wasn't relaxing like it usually is. It just made me sore. Then I went to the BSM (Baptist Student Ministries), where I am a leader, to help with and eat lunch.
By this time, I didn't have the energy to speak to people at all. I was not acknowledging other people at all or initiating any kind of interaction. I couldn't sit still and was wandering around the BSM aimlessly. My sense of hearing seemed to be the sense that was the most heightened today. I was helping serve food, and we kept running out of everything; mac and cheese, beans, chicken, and then plates. It was crazy!
Next was A&P (Anatomy & Physiology) class. This class usually overstimulates my senses. Everyone talks before class starts, which is loud and confusing. I had to stand out in the hall until class started because I was getting so anxious. We also take a break halfway through class, which means everyone starts talking again. I had to cover my ears.
I was able to come out of the autistic mode when I hung out with my friends. I am usually able to joke with them and have a good time. However, this doesn't mean everything went smoothly. At one point, they ended up leaving me in the lobby of the dorm for a while before finally coming to get me. This made me feel left out and sad. At another point, I thought I'd be able to get into the cafeteria to eat with them, but I couldn't. I had to sit outside alone and wait for them.
I went into the highest level of autistic mode I identify (Level 5 out of 5). I just became so overwhelmed as I drove to the worship service I was going to attend. I couldn't speak. I was crying uncontrollably. I was very irritable. This is what is known as an autistic/Asperger's meltdown. Uncontrollable crying and not being able to speak is a mild meltdown for me. Sometimes my mild meltdowns include behaviors that could be considered self-injurious, such as chewing on my fingers/fingernails/back of my hands, grinding my teeth, etc. It doesn't hurt me, and I've never hurt myself doing these things.
When I got to the worship service, I didn't know anyone there except for a few people. That didn't help my anxiety level at all. I sat in the back by myself. It took a while before I could talk to people. I played with a bouncy ball to ease my anxiety. I have certain things that I use to ease my anxiety, and a bouncy ball is one of them. One thing you could see me doing was rocking back and forth in my chair. By the time the service was over, I felt much better. We went and ate spaghetti; picnic style. I even sat in a circle of people and didn't know any of them. We talked and had a good time. I'm so glad I decided not to skip the service!
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
So, for some reason today, I was in an autistic episode. Sometimes, I don't know what causes them. They just happen. This seemed to be one of those times. Today was just simply overwhelming and a "Monday". Yoga class wasn't relaxing like it usually is. It just made me sore. Then I went to the BSM (Baptist Student Ministries), where I am a leader, to help with and eat lunch.
By this time, I didn't have the energy to speak to people at all. I was not acknowledging other people at all or initiating any kind of interaction. I couldn't sit still and was wandering around the BSM aimlessly. My sense of hearing seemed to be the sense that was the most heightened today. I was helping serve food, and we kept running out of everything; mac and cheese, beans, chicken, and then plates. It was crazy!
Next was A&P (Anatomy & Physiology) class. This class usually overstimulates my senses. Everyone talks before class starts, which is loud and confusing. I had to stand out in the hall until class started because I was getting so anxious. We also take a break halfway through class, which means everyone starts talking again. I had to cover my ears.
I was able to come out of the autistic mode when I hung out with my friends. I am usually able to joke with them and have a good time. However, this doesn't mean everything went smoothly. At one point, they ended up leaving me in the lobby of the dorm for a while before finally coming to get me. This made me feel left out and sad. At another point, I thought I'd be able to get into the cafeteria to eat with them, but I couldn't. I had to sit outside alone and wait for them.
I went into the highest level of autistic mode I identify (Level 5 out of 5). I just became so overwhelmed as I drove to the worship service I was going to attend. I couldn't speak. I was crying uncontrollably. I was very irritable. This is what is known as an autistic/Asperger's meltdown. Uncontrollable crying and not being able to speak is a mild meltdown for me. Sometimes my mild meltdowns include behaviors that could be considered self-injurious, such as chewing on my fingers/fingernails/back of my hands, grinding my teeth, etc. It doesn't hurt me, and I've never hurt myself doing these things.
When I got to the worship service, I didn't know anyone there except for a few people. That didn't help my anxiety level at all. I sat in the back by myself. It took a while before I could talk to people. I played with a bouncy ball to ease my anxiety. I have certain things that I use to ease my anxiety, and a bouncy ball is one of them. One thing you could see me doing was rocking back and forth in my chair. By the time the service was over, I felt much better. We went and ate spaghetti; picnic style. I even sat in a circle of people and didn't know any of them. We talked and had a good time. I'm so glad I decided not to skip the service!
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Where My Asperger's Story Starts
For those of you new to the Asperger's world, let me explain. Asperger's syndrome is a disorder that causes the brain to develop abnormally. People with Asperger's live with it their entire lives. It affects the normal pattern of development; hence the term "developmental disorder". Asperger's is the mildest of the autism spectrum disorders. Yes; Asperger's is essentially autism. That means people with Asperger's have social difficulties, limited interests, sensory issues, and repetitive behaviors. And those are just the main characteristics. Asperger's affects every part of a person's life. However, unlike classic autism, people with Asperger's usually have average or above-average IQ's, begin talking at the right age, and can actually look "normal" to the untrained eye. Let me explain my story and maybe it will make more sense.
I didn't always know I had Asperger's. As I child, my parents saw behaviors they thought were "eccentric" or "unique", but never thought much of it. For example, I would line things up all the time; stuffed animals, books, writing utensils, etc. I had limited interests. I loved baby dolls and played with them almost all the time. I was also addicted to Disney movies. I had to have certain routines performed all the time, or I would become very upset and cry. Such routines would include my bedtime routine or the classroom schedule at school. I was a picky eater because of the sensitivities to texture and taste. Even before starting school, I was smart (I'm not trying to brag; it's just a characteristic). I understood the infinite nature of numbers at age 4. I was reading books to myself also by age 4. However, I had no "common sense". I would go for walks down the street or to a neighbor's house without telling my parents never thinking that I should ask them first because they wouldn't know where I was otherwise. I would run across the street without looking for traffic. I seemed to have no sense of danger.
When I started school, things only worsened. I would come home crying because kids would tease me for being "different" or "weird". I never seemed to fit in. My teachers all through elementary kept telling my parents to get me tested because they thought I had ADD/ADHD (which was the diagnostic craze at the time). I would get in trouble with the teachers quite often. I was bossy to others as well when they didn't follow rules. Asperger's children are very set on following rules and insisting others do the same. In my younger years, I was talkative and friendly; trying to make and keep friends. As the years and teasing went on, I became more withdrawn. I started to realize I was different from my peers. By high school, I was at the beginnings of depression and was also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after having several panic attacks.
In my first semester at college, my depression exploded. The change was just too great, and I broke down. I was diagnosed with depression in October 2008 and put on my first antidepressant. Since then, I have been dealing with chronic depression episodes and been put on several medications that have failed or had horrible side effects. The first medication failed drastically, and I became suicidal that December. A couple weeks later, in January, I was evaluated by a psychologist. I was diagnosed with severe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder in January 2009, which I've known I've had since I was 10 years old after watching a special on TV. I was referred to a psychiatrist. When I finally saw him in February, he hospitalized me immediately. I was in a behavioral health unit for 5 days and put on medications. I was also put into therapy. I finally started feeling better...but something still didn't quite feel right.
I went back to the psychologist in April 2009 and told her my concerns. She confessed that when she first evaluated me, she suspected Asperger's syndrome. However, she wanted to wait and make sure medications and therapy didn't help first. She thought maybe it could've just been part of the depression and OCD. She did further evaluation and interviewed my mom about my childhood. That's when she diagnosed me with Asperger's syndrome. I felt so vindicated; so settled. After doing some research, I was shocked. Thinking back, I couldn't believe how nobody caught it until now. I had so many of the characteristics, especially as a younger child. As I got older, I started finding ways to mask my differences so that they wouldn't be so apparent. I guess all the suppression was part of what caused such a big break down.
Since then, I've been striving to live my life with my diagnosis and understand it. I also advocate and educate others about autism. No one should have to go through life without an answer or being bullied or feeling misunderstood because people aren't aware of autism and Asperger's syndrome. That's why I tell people. So this blog will basically be what life is like from the perspective of a person seeing the world through Asperger's eyes.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
I didn't always know I had Asperger's. As I child, my parents saw behaviors they thought were "eccentric" or "unique", but never thought much of it. For example, I would line things up all the time; stuffed animals, books, writing utensils, etc. I had limited interests. I loved baby dolls and played with them almost all the time. I was also addicted to Disney movies. I had to have certain routines performed all the time, or I would become very upset and cry. Such routines would include my bedtime routine or the classroom schedule at school. I was a picky eater because of the sensitivities to texture and taste. Even before starting school, I was smart (I'm not trying to brag; it's just a characteristic). I understood the infinite nature of numbers at age 4. I was reading books to myself also by age 4. However, I had no "common sense". I would go for walks down the street or to a neighbor's house without telling my parents never thinking that I should ask them first because they wouldn't know where I was otherwise. I would run across the street without looking for traffic. I seemed to have no sense of danger.
When I started school, things only worsened. I would come home crying because kids would tease me for being "different" or "weird". I never seemed to fit in. My teachers all through elementary kept telling my parents to get me tested because they thought I had ADD/ADHD (which was the diagnostic craze at the time). I would get in trouble with the teachers quite often. I was bossy to others as well when they didn't follow rules. Asperger's children are very set on following rules and insisting others do the same. In my younger years, I was talkative and friendly; trying to make and keep friends. As the years and teasing went on, I became more withdrawn. I started to realize I was different from my peers. By high school, I was at the beginnings of depression and was also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after having several panic attacks.
In my first semester at college, my depression exploded. The change was just too great, and I broke down. I was diagnosed with depression in October 2008 and put on my first antidepressant. Since then, I have been dealing with chronic depression episodes and been put on several medications that have failed or had horrible side effects. The first medication failed drastically, and I became suicidal that December. A couple weeks later, in January, I was evaluated by a psychologist. I was diagnosed with severe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder in January 2009, which I've known I've had since I was 10 years old after watching a special on TV. I was referred to a psychiatrist. When I finally saw him in February, he hospitalized me immediately. I was in a behavioral health unit for 5 days and put on medications. I was also put into therapy. I finally started feeling better...but something still didn't quite feel right.
I went back to the psychologist in April 2009 and told her my concerns. She confessed that when she first evaluated me, she suspected Asperger's syndrome. However, she wanted to wait and make sure medications and therapy didn't help first. She thought maybe it could've just been part of the depression and OCD. She did further evaluation and interviewed my mom about my childhood. That's when she diagnosed me with Asperger's syndrome. I felt so vindicated; so settled. After doing some research, I was shocked. Thinking back, I couldn't believe how nobody caught it until now. I had so many of the characteristics, especially as a younger child. As I got older, I started finding ways to mask my differences so that they wouldn't be so apparent. I guess all the suppression was part of what caused such a big break down.
Since then, I've been striving to live my life with my diagnosis and understand it. I also advocate and educate others about autism. No one should have to go through life without an answer or being bullied or feeling misunderstood because people aren't aware of autism and Asperger's syndrome. That's why I tell people. So this blog will basically be what life is like from the perspective of a person seeing the world through Asperger's eyes.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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