Today, I had the first autistic episode I've had in quite a while. During these times, the symptoms of my autism worsen. I usually can't speak very much, if at all. My senses become even more heightened than they usually are. I start to do more of the stereotypical, repetitive behaviors associated with autism. My anxiety levels rise as well. I've often wondered why I can seem almost normal sometimes and then have episodes like these. Therapists have said it's most likely due to extreme anxiety. It's already hard for my brain to communicate and function normally. So stress and anxiety makes it even harder to function.
So, for some reason today, I was in an autistic episode. Sometimes, I don't know what causes them. They just happen. This seemed to be one of those times. Today was just simply overwhelming and a "Monday". Yoga class wasn't relaxing like it usually is. It just made me sore. Then I went to the BSM (Baptist Student Ministries), where I am a leader, to help with and eat lunch.
By this time, I didn't have the energy to speak to people at all. I was not acknowledging other people at all or initiating any kind of interaction. I couldn't sit still and was wandering around the BSM aimlessly. My sense of hearing seemed to be the sense that was the most heightened today. I was helping serve food, and we kept running out of everything; mac and cheese, beans, chicken, and then plates. It was crazy!
Next was A&P (Anatomy & Physiology) class. This class usually overstimulates my senses. Everyone talks before class starts, which is loud and confusing. I had to stand out in the hall until class started because I was getting so anxious. We also take a break halfway through class, which means everyone starts talking again. I had to cover my ears.
I was able to come out of the autistic mode when I hung out with my friends. I am usually able to joke with them and have a good time. However, this doesn't mean everything went smoothly. At one point, they ended up leaving me in the lobby of the dorm for a while before finally coming to get me. This made me feel left out and sad. At another point, I thought I'd be able to get into the cafeteria to eat with them, but I couldn't. I had to sit outside alone and wait for them.
I went into the highest level of autistic mode I identify (Level 5 out of 5). I just became so overwhelmed as I drove to the worship service I was going to attend. I couldn't speak. I was crying uncontrollably. I was very irritable. This is what is known as an autistic/Asperger's meltdown. Uncontrollable crying and not being able to speak is a mild meltdown for me. Sometimes my mild meltdowns include behaviors that could be considered self-injurious, such as chewing on my fingers/fingernails/back of my hands, grinding my teeth, etc. It doesn't hurt me, and I've never hurt myself doing these things.
When I got to the worship service, I didn't know anyone there except for a few people. That didn't help my anxiety level at all. I sat in the back by myself. It took a while before I could talk to people. I played with a bouncy ball to ease my anxiety. I have certain things that I use to ease my anxiety, and a bouncy ball is one of them. One thing you could see me doing was rocking back and forth in my chair. By the time the service was over, I felt much better. We went and ate spaghetti; picnic style. I even sat in a circle of people and didn't know any of them. We talked and had a good time. I'm so glad I decided not to skip the service!
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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