Don't Let Them See You Cry

     I get asked many questions about Asperger's, and I welcome them. As long as people are willing to learn and understand, I am willing to answer questions. Recently, I was asked if I accepted comfort from other people when I'm upset. The reason behind the question, I suspect, is that a characteristic of autism can be that the person isn't comforted by others in times of distress, like meltdowns. My answer: It depends.

     I'm one of those people that hates it when other people see me cry. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when someone cries, people ask what's wrong. If I'm crying, it's usually because I'm sad, angry, overwhelmed, or in a complete meltdown. In any case, my brain either completely shuts down, or it goes into hyper speed. When my brain shuts down, I can't think. When it's going a hundred miles an hour, I can't keep up. Either way, I can't tell you what's wrong in any coherent fashion. Maybe that's why I try to just avoid it all together and not cry at all. 

     However, if I have cried around you, it's because I trust you. It means you've known me long enough or well enough to know how hard emotions are for me. It means you know that expressing my emotions, especially when upset, can be difficult for me. It means you understand how my mind works, and that you have to be patient if you want answers. It means I know I don't have to hide anything from you or pretend I'm okay when I'm not. Although, this isn't the only way to know that I trust you Lol. So don't feel bad if I haven't cried around you yet; I just don't cry that much haha. 

     The other part about being comforted is the physical contact, like hugs or pats on the back. Like I said last post, I like hugs. However, when I'm upset, especially in a complete meltdown, that sensitivity to touch is very high. Again, it usually depends on how upset I am. If I'm just a little upset or down-in-the-dumps, I'll usually accept a hug or something. Somewhere in the middle of a little upset and really upset, I can usually only stand those I'm close to to give me hugs or comfort me. When I'm really upset, like meltdown upset, nobody touches me. I don't even like those I'm close to to give me hugs or anything. If you're ever unsure whether it would be okay to give me a hug when I'm upset, ask. I can at least handle a yes or no question Lol. 

     So this might explain why a person with autism having a meltdown gets worse when you touch them. Even if you're trying to help and comfort them. If they don't want to be touched, don't touch them. Let them process things. If they want to be comforted, comfort them. They will let you know. If you're not sure, ask. How else will you learn and understand?

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Give Me A Hug!

     We've talked before about how people with autism can have sensitivities to sensory stimuli. In the last post, we looked at how sensitivity to touch can influence the things I wear. Today I want to talk about how sensitivity to touch influences my interactions with other people.

     I get asked about hugging a lot. It usually goes something like, "So since you're so sensitive to touch, you probably don't like hugs right?" Or "I thought you didn't like to be touched; you like hugs?" A lot of the time, people misunderstand what I mean when I say I'm sensitive to touch. Light touch bothers me; however, I have a high pain tolerance. I have two tattoos...on the under parts of my lower arms of all places. You could hit me, and it would hurt less than if you brushed up against me. Light touch or brushing up against me feels like someone set ants loose under my skin. It makes my skin crawl. However, when most people hug, they don't do it very lightly. When most people hug, they do it tight enough that it doesn't bother me. I actually like hugs. Getting a hug on a bad day can make it better. Getting a hug any day is good :) Nevertheless, I have to be expecting the hug. People can't just come up, grab me, and hug me. My body instinctively does one of two things: stiffens up and tries to fight back or goes limp and tries to escape. It's a fight or flight response, and I can't help it. However, if I'm expecting you to hug me or if I hug you, it's all cool. 

     What I don't like are handshakes when I first meet someone. Can we adopt a custom from another culture in which we don't have to touch each other when introducing ourselves? This is where my autism and OCD mix together. Sometimes, I don't like shaking people's hands because they are sweaty, rough, or they grip my hand too tight. However, it's also because I know how dirty people's hands are. I shake people's hands because I don't want to be rude. I don't like it, though. I'd rather find another way to introduce myself to them. Like...bowing. Maybe we could start bowing to each other. Lol

     My sensitivities get worse when my anxiety is higher. It's like my mind thinks it has to be on high alert, which makes me more sensitive to everything. For example, when meet new people or being in a big crowd, my sensitivity to touch will be worse. It's rather unfortunate actually. Being in bigger crowds increases the chances of someone brushing up against you. I know that, and that just raises my anxiety even more. It's a vicious cycle. However, the more comfortable and calm I am, the less it bothers me. For example, when I'm around my family or at my own home. Anxiety is low situations like that. My mind doesn't feel the need to protect itself, and I'm less sensitive to things. 

     I hope I explained that well enough today Lol. Just because a person with autism is sensitive to touch doesn't mean they don't like hugs and affection. Just because we might have a high tolerance for pain doesn't mean it doesn't bother us when you brush up against us. Just because we like some forms of physical contact (hugs) doesn't mean we like others (handshakes). This is why it's important to get to know the person with autism. You can't just learn about autism in general. Autism looks different in each person. I am a person with autism; I am not a diagnosis. It's like they say, "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Why Do You Always Wear Jeans?

     People often question me or comment on the way I dress. Nothing bad. I just have a simple yet unique style of dress. As I've said before, people with autism can have sensory issues, like touch. Certain kinds of clothing or fabrics can be intolerable for us to wear. Things you may not think are a big deal can be a nightmare for us. I'll give some of my personal examples. 
     I hardly ever wear shorts or Capri pants. It doesn't matter if it's the middle of summer and 100 degrees outside; you will most likely see me in jeans. Why? A few reasons. First, the less skin I expose, the better. For one thing, it's hard to find a pair of young women's shorts that don't show just a little to much. Second, my skin is sensitive to the touch. I hate it when things brush up against me or lightly touch my skin. If I wear pants all the time, there's less of a chance anything will come in contact with the skin on my legs. Plus, denim is thicker, which means I'll feel even less. It also goes with pretty much anything. It's durable, too. I work with kids, and denim stands up to all the messes that happen at the preschool (eg. paint, dirt, food, and unfortunately, bodily fluids). 
     This next one is something that I didn't notice until someone else recently pointed it out. I only wear short-sleeved shirts if it's going to be fairly warm outside. Otherwise, I wear long-sleeved shirts. However, no matter what kind of shirt I wear, I always carry a jacket with me. May not be a heavy coat, mind you, but I carry some kind of jacket. Ever since that got pointed out to me, I've worked out why. First, it's like the thing with wearing pants all the time. My skin is sensitive, and I don't like things brushing up against it. Solution=long sleeves. Now, obviously that can't happen all the time because it gets super hot sometimes. I do wear short-sleeved shirts, and I'm not sure if it affects me when I'm around people. For example, do I stand further away from people or pull back from them because I don't want them to accidentally brush up against me? Second reason has to do with the jacket. I'm a cold-natured person. I get cold easily. That's why it has to be hot for me to wear short sleeves. I'm so sensitive to the cold that even just a little drop in temperature, and I have my jacket on. That may also explain the jeans. It's easy to wear a short-sleeved shirt and put on a jacket if I get cold. It harder to wear shorts and carry around extra pants in case I get cold. 
     Dressing up nicer is fun sometimes. Wearing skirts or dresses. However, I only do that every now and then. I feel like skirts and dresses are restricting. I have to sit and walk certain ways. Have you seen me?! I do not sit like a normal person, but I have to in a skirt or dress lol. Skirts and dresses aren't me. Sure, they look nice for special occasions, and I'll do that. Other than that, forget it. 
     Here are a few extras. I rarely wear flip flops or sandals unless I'm at the beach or swimming or someplace like that. I find them extremely uncomfortable to wear for long periods of time, especially ones that go between your toes. I like TOMS, Nike tennis shoes, Converse, and my black Earth Shoe boots. If I dress up, I will wear the appropriate shoes. Other than that, I stick with my favorites. I don't like hats. They make it feel like my head is being squeezed, and it eventually gives me a headache. I don't wear jewelry, mostly because I can't keep up with it lol. Also because it's a hassle. Bracelets don't fit my wrists and slide everywhere. The adjustable ones pinch my arms. Necklaces are ok, but sometimes the clasps get caught in my long hair. Any kind of dangling earring is annoying because it's constantly touching my face. I don't like wool or any kind of similar, itchy fabric. I don't like the stuff windbreakers are made out of. It's unnecessarily loud, and I hate the sound it makes when it rubs against itself. I don't like tags. If they become a bother, I rip them out of clothing. 
     This is by no means an exhaustive list of all my sensitivities when it comes to clothing. However, I hope it gives you an idea of what it's like. Have I tried to "expand my wardrobe"? Yes. Have I tried new things when it comes to fashion? Yes. Have you tried "this"; have you tried "that"? Probably. It doesn't matter. I can do those "new" and "glamorous" things only once in a while. For everyday wear, I'll stick with what I know best. Besides, I believe my beauty isn't defined by the way I look. It's defined by who I am and what I do, my character and my actions. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~ 

Get in the Zone

     I can't believe it's already Saturday again. I feel like I just wrote one of these the other day lol. I feel like I've been in my own world half of the time this week. That's where our topic comes from today. I'm very much an introvert. It's not that I don't like hanging out with people; I do. It's just that being around people eventually drains my energy, and I have to be alone in order to recharge. I also get overwhelmed easily. My senses are more sensitive than other people's, and I can often have sensory overload. It's harder for me to interpret and understand emotions, my own and other people's. At times, my emotions can overtake my mind and shut it down. 
     I've always compared the mind to a computer. My computer runs a little different than yours does. It processes information differently than yours does. Sometimes, it runs a little slower than yours does, and you have to be patient with it. Have you ever had a computer freeze up on you because you thought it was going too slow so you kept clicking the mouse? Same thing happens in my head. The more information that keeps coming into it, the slower it runs. If you don't give it time to process it all, it will eventually crash. This is when I feel completely overwhelmed and will usually start crying. 
     However, I have come to notice something that is a kind of warning sign before I reach that point-of-no-return. I've noticed that when my mind starts reaching its limit, when I have used up almost all of my energy, I start zoning out. I won't realize it until someone says something to me, snapping me out of it. That's when I realize I've been staring off into space, totally unaware of anyone or anything around me. I've worked out that this is a way my mind warns me that it's reaching its simmering point, and that I should leave as soon as possible.
     However, I think it's also a kind of protection. I've noticed that if I can't leave right away, I will keep zoning in and out. I think this is my mind's way of trying to stay connected in the present moment like its supposed to, but also trying to shut down and process things at the same time. So I'll be present in the moment then, for a few moments, I'll completely zone out. Then the cycle repeats until I can actually get away and fully recharge. I've noticed this happens when I'm around people for too long or when I'm in an environment with too much sensory stimuli. 
     Sounds like a very frustrating computer to work with, doesn't it? ;) May be, but don't worry. I have almost 25 years of experience with it. It may not be perfect (but whose is), and it may be hard. However, I do my best. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Containing the Chaos

     Today, I'm going to talk about one of the things I do when I don't feel good emotionally. Now, I'm a very flexible person and always have been. I can sit or lie in positions that make most people hurt just by looking at me haha. I can even sleep in some of these uncomfortable-looking positions. They may look uncomfortable to you and you may not be able to sit like that, but they make me feel better.
     The one I'm going to talk about today is probably the smallest I can make my body, which is saying something since I'm already a small person lol. If you're a yoga person, think of the child pose. I pull my knees all the way up to my chest and lay over them. However, instead of laying my arms in front of me, I pull them up against my body too. So there I am sitting (or lying) there with my legs and arms tucked up under me. 
     Anytime I'm sitting like this, it usually means I don't feel good. It's usually emotionally, but sometimes I do it when I'm sick too. Most often, I do this when I'm overwhelmed. When I get really overwhelmed or anxious, my mind feels like it's going 200 mph. For some reason, my body thinks it has to react accordingly. My muscles, skin, everything feels like they're moving, squirming, almost rippling. I wish I could find adequate words to describe it. The only things I have found that help (that don't involve tearing myself apart) are deep pressure, stimulation, containment. That's why I sit like that; to make myself as small as possible to contain or control that feeling of chaos inside me. It puts deep pressure on, mainly my arms and legs, but on other muscles too, to make that squirming feeling subside. 
     I may also sit like this when I'm going through a depression episode. Depression can make my muscles ache. Again, one of the things that helps is deep pressure. Also, if you've ever suffered from depression, you'll know that sometimes you just want to curl up into a ball and disappear for a while. You wish you were a turtle that could hide in your protective, hard shell that no one can get into, and you could come out when you wanted. 
     Sometimes, however, I will sit like this without knowing exactly what's wrong. It's almost like a warning of sorts. I know that if I feel the need to curl up like this, then something must be wrong; something is going on. So if you ever see me sitting like this, chances are that I'm not feeling good. Sometimes I know what's wrong, and sometimes I don't. I may be able to talk about it, or I may not be able to find the right words. However, having another person there is helpful, even if it's just to vent to. My mind may be racing, but my mouth can only move so fast. Talking to another person helps me organize my thoughts and get rid of all the irrational ones. This, in turn, lowers the anxiety, and the feeling in my muscles goes away. Did I say that I needed another person in order to calm down and feel better? No. I have become skilled in calming myself down; otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this post. However, it's always nice to have friends and family to help you out and support you :)

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Why Won't You Look Me in The Eyes?

So many eyes

All around me

Staring

Watching

Observing

So many eyes

To stumble into

Causing confusion

Anxiety

Disorientation

So many eyes

So deep

Containing every aspect

Every emotion

Of a person

So many eyes

Wanting to look in mine

To dig deep

Into who I am

To judge me

So I cover my eyes

And start to hum

I may even cry

It is all to much

Make it stop!

Why won't you 

Look me in the eyes?

You ask

Do you not understand

That I can't?

     Many people have this question: Why do people with autism avoid eye contact with other people? The poem above gives you my perspective, and that's what I can give you; my perspective. For me, eye contact is very awkward. Sometimes, it's almost painful. Yeah, painful. You have to understand that "typical" people make eye contact as a nonverbal form of communication. There is a lot of emotion in a person's eyes. A person may be good at hiding how they are feeling on the outside, but the eyes don't lie. Here's how that plays out in autism.

     People with autism have trouble with other people's emotions. Looking into your eyes may mean seeing some emotions that we don't know how to deal with. We may feel ill-equipped to help you. That makes us feel anxious, even more anxious than we already are in social situations. Also, it could be confusing. If your mouth is saying one thing but your eyes are saying another thing, our brain may not know how to process that. Then you throw body language into the equation. Whoa! Shut the system down! It's just too much, and our brains can only process so much. 

     On the flip side, people with autism have trouble with their own emotions. It's hard to let someone else try and understand your emotions when you don't fully understand them yourself sometimes. I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum, but I'm personally not good at hiding my feelings. I'm doing good if I'm able to identify and deal with my emotions and what caused them in a particular situation. However, if someone looked into my eyes, they may figure it out before I did. That's when I can't answer their questions of "What's wrong?" or "Are you ok?" They get a lot of "I don't know". 

     William Shakespeare said, "The eyes are the windows to your soul." I'd say that's true because when I look into someone's eyes, I feel lost. Lost in everything that makes up that person. Lost in trying to trudge through all of that to get to the important stuff that matters in that present moment. It takes all my attention that I can't focus on anything else, much less on what they're saying. So I cheat lol. I watch people's mouths when they talk. This is close enough that it looks like I'm making eye contact, but I'm really not. It also helps because unless I watch someone talk, I have a hard time understanding what they say. 

     So don't take offense if a person with autism isn't looking at you in the eyes. Forcing us to make eye contact would be the worst thing to do. Just because we aren't looking at you, doesn't mean we aren't listening. We just have a different way of doing things :)

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~ 

Answered Prayer

     So in one of my psychology classes, my professor decided to do a little experiment...because that's what psychology people do lol. She gave us depression and anxiety self-evaluations. Then she said we would be taking the first part of each class for a time of prayer and meditation on God's Word. We would then see if our depression and anxiety improved. I thought, "Great idea because I suffer from clinical anxiety and depression." 
     One of my prayers was specifically about my anxieties, especially my social anxiety. Because I have autism, social situations take more work for me. I sometimes feel lost, confused, or unsure, and that leads to anxiety. My prayer was that God would lessen my anxiety and help me connect with people better. I never thought He would do what He did!
     I've mentioned before that I'm in the process of joining a social club at school. I knew it would be a good way to make new friends and connect with people. God has taken it even further. Since starting this process, I feel like a rose that blossomed from a closed-up bud. I went from the girl that tried to blend into the wall to being able to go up to someone, introduce myself, and keep a conversation going. I went from "I can't wait to go home" to "I can't wait for the next get-together". Before, I walked around campus saying, "I don't know any of these people." Now, I can walk around campus and say, "I know her and her and him and him..." 
     I was talking to my best friend, Erin, the other day. She has walked through this long and treacherous journey with me and was always by my side. She has seen the good and the bad and helped me through some rough times. I was telling her about all of this, and she laughed. Not in a mocking way but in an amused and delighted sort of way. She said, "That's a real change from when I first met you. You used to be so hesitant in big crowds and meeting new people. Now you're meeting tons of new people and going to these mixers. And now it's not a matter of 'Do I want to do this at all?'; it's a matter of 'Which one do I want to do?'"
     I can see the change in myself in just this short amount of time, and I love it! God not only answered my prayer, but He went above and beyond my expectations. With my past experiences, I guess I should know by now that that's how He works lol. God always answers our prayers. However, He answers them His way and in His own time. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

My Two New Therapeutic Tools

     A couple of weeks ago, I bought some of that cool, new Kinetic Sand. If you've seen the commercial on TV, you've seen how cool this stuff is. I decided to buy some after watching a video from grav3yardgirl on YouTube. I talked about her videos in my last post. In this one, she reviewed Kinetic Sand, showed how cool it was, and talked about how it can be really therapeutic. It's pretty awesome. I wish I could describe on here how this stuff moves and feels. It's really unique and amazing! I love to watch it fall from my hands. I find it most helpful when I'm studying. When studying and doing homework, I get really distracted sometimes. It's hard for me to concentrate, and I lose my train of thought often. I have found that if I use Kinetic Sand while I'm doing homework, I get distracted less often. When I do find myself losing focus, I use the Kinetic Sand as the distraction instead of things like Facebook or TV. It allows me to take my mind off my work for just a few seconds, do something calming that doesn't take my full attention away from the task, and then get back to work. It's been working really well. 
     Another great thing I've acquired recently is a rocking recliner. See, my brother and I moved into a trailer house together in a very nice, gated trailer park. Our new trailer house came with a couch, chair, and the rocking recliner. It's my new favorite thing! I love it! It's so comfy. My brother claimed it as "his", but I sit in it more than he does. I like to do my homework or watch TV in it. It's really relaxing to sit there and rock back and forth in it, especially if I'm listening to music. When I'm doing homework, it actually helps me concentrate because it calms me down and reduces stress. I'm actually sitting in it right now as I write this blog post lol. So those are my two new favorite things, and how I use them to help me.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Play It Again!

     Recently, I have realized something about myself and my autism. A characteristic of autism is repetitive behaviors. It's a required characteristic to have in order to be diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. A repetitive behavior can be almost anything. It could be rocking, spinning, a child pushing the same button on a toy, listening to the same song, watching the same video, anything.....over and over and over again. 
     Mine used to be worse when I was younger. I'd rewind and watch the same movie over and over again. I'd listen to the same song as many times as someone would let me. I loved those books that had buttons that made noises. I really didn't even care about the story, just pushing the buttons haha. I used to have a little rocking chair that I would sit in all the time and rock in it while I watched TV. Now that I'm older, those repetitive behaviors have mostly disappeared.....mostly. My favorite place to sit is still in a rocking chair where I can just rock back and forth and watch TV, read, talk to people, whatever I want. If I get a new favorite song, I will still listen to it over and over again until either I get sick of it or other people do. However, the thing I realized about myself was about movies. 
     If I really like a movie, I could watch it probably every other day and not get tired of it. For example, right now my movie of choice is Divergent. I don't know how many times I've watched that movie, but I love it and could watch it again. It's not as bad as when I was younger and would watch the same movie over and over again in one day. However, I still see that characteristic in myself. 
     I also like to watch videos on YouTube. I have an account, and I'm subscribed to many channels. Right now, I'm obsessed with one channel called grav3yardgirl. Most of her videos are about make up, beauty tips, clothes, stuff like that. She also does videos in which she tests out As Seen On TV products to see if they really work. I love those videos. She also has videos where she goes shopping and takes her camera into the store so you can "follow her around" the store. I love those too because they're fun. She has a crazy, random personality.....like me sometimes lol. I can also relate to her because she vlogs about how she deals with anxiety and depression and all that not-so-fun stuff. I've been there. 
     Here's where the autism comes in. There are several videos I love and find really funny. I have watched these videos so many times, I couldn't even tell you how many. With these, I find myself watching them over and over again multiple times in a day. It's usually when I get home after a long day, and I need something to make me feel better. I know her videos are going to make me laugh, and, since I've watched them so many times, they are predictable. Autism loves predictability lol. Don't get me wrong. I'll go out and try new things and be spontaneous if I want to be. However, at the end of the day, at least for this girl with autism, it's nice to have something predictable that I can control.....and something that makes me laugh. It's weird that even though I know what's going to happen, it still makes me laugh. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Happy Birthday, Blog!

     This is a very special blog post. The other day, I was reading my old blog posts and noticed that I wrote the first post for this blog exactly three years ago today. As I read over those old blog posts, I realized how much I've changed in those three years. I realized how much my Asperger's has changed. A lot has happened during that time. 
     One thing that happened shortly after September 2011 is I moved into my very own apartment and got a stable job. That was huge for me. Before that, my health kept me from working, which then meant I didn't have the money to live on my own. I've been living on my own ever since, and I've made it work. I can't say I'm completely on my own because my parents still help me out. However, I have a consistent job, and I have a place to call my own. 
     Another thing that has changed is my Asperger's. Three years ago, I was prone to high anxiety. I didn't really know how to go up to people and start a conversation and really had no desire to do so anyway. I was more prone to meltdowns and got overwhelmed easier. My senses were more hyper-vigilant. Sounds used to bother me a lot more. I used to be more of a picky eater. It wasn't as bad as when I was younger, but it was worse than it is now. When it came to my job working with kids, I used to get SO anxious at just the thought of having to take care of the kids by myself. 
     Three years later, things are a lot better. While I still deal with high anxiety at times, I'm now learning ways to manage it. I don't get overwhelmed nearly as easily anymore, and meltdowns are rare. Now, my meltdowns almost look like a normal girl having a "just because" cry lol. Obviously it's more complicated than that, but a person who didn't know me very well probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference. My overactive senses are getting better, too. Noises don't bother me as much as they used to. I don't know what I did to make that better. Maybe it was working with kids for so long haha. Speaking of working with kids, I feel like I've gotten so much better at my job. I'm not nearly as anxious when it comes to taking care of the kids by myself. I'm much more confident in myself, and my ability to do my job. I'm also getting better at eating different foods. I've become braver when it comes to trying new foods as well. I used to not even try new foods. Now I will, and I find I like a lot of things I thought I wouldn't.
     Most of all, there has been a huge change in the social part of my Asperger's. If you've kept up with this blog, you'll have read my posts about my improvements with social skills. I've learned what true empathy is. I'm constantly improving my skills on the give and take of conversation. I took a huge step about a year ago and started online dating. This is huge for me because of the past I have. Now, I'm talking to a really great guy.
     Most importantly, at least to me, is that I'm making new friends. Going through this process to join a social club has really brought me out of my shell. I've been working on that over the years and have gotten better at it since starting this blog. However, I feel like I've really blossomed over the last couple of weeks. I've met so many new people...and I love it! After taking a while to warm up at that first girl's night, it's becoming easier and easier to meet new people. In the past, after I got used to certain people, I would kind of stick with them in a group setting. The other night, at the second girl's night, I was braver. I still talked to the girls I already knew, but I also went up to new people and introduced myself. I've never done that as easily as I did that night! I love it! 
     It makes me feel good that this is getting easier because then it means people can get to know me easier. It's just the initial interaction with people that I have a hard time hurdling over. Once that's out of the way, it's easier. I'm working on it; it's getting better! People that know me best know that I'm definitely not shy and quiet. With new people, we just have to get past that first hurdle so you can get to know me and see for yourself just how cool I am ;)

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Unwritten Social Rule #1

     One of the unwritten social rules that many people with Asperger's have trouble with is knowing boundaries. It's not that we purposely ignore boundaries or don't want to respect them. It's most likely that we don't even know what the boundaries are in the first place. People with Asperger's are pretty good rule followers. Once we know the rules and boundaries, you can pretty much count on us to respect them.
     I sometimes feel that "typical" people have this radar, and they pick up on things I don't; like my radar is broken or something. "Typical" people seem to know, without being told, social boundaries. For example, they know when they've overstayed their welcome at someone's house or when it's not their place to say or do something. It can all be quite confusing actually.
     That's why we need people to tell us straightforward what they expect from us. We have to be told "Yes, that's ok" or "No, you shouldn't do that". You can't just assume we know what to do. If you start assuming, we may do something you consider rude without realizing it. We don't even realize what we've done could be considered rude unless you tell us. Then again, there is less room for error if we know what the boundaries are in the first place.
     However, when informing or correcting someone with Asperger's about a social situation, be understanding and gentle. We already have a hard time in social situations and trying to learn all these rules that come to others so naturally. The last thing we need is to feel bombarded or criticized or like we failed. We are the same as "typical" people when it comes to needing support, love, and encouragement. So when helping or correcting someone with Asperger syndrome, make sure it's out of love.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Branching Out or A Leap of Faith

     Having Autism, it's really hard for me to meet new people. I can't just go up to someone and start a conversation with them. I'm not good at small talk, and I run out of questions to ask people about themselves or things to say. However, if people come up and talk to me first, I'm better at staying with the conversation. Since it's hard for me to meet people like others do, I don't know a lot of people on campus. It's kind of discouraging sometimes. I see people around me greeting each other and sitting together. They all seem to know each other. I wanted to be a part of that. There are social clubs at LCU. They are kind of like frats and sororities but not as strict and cliche-ish. It's just as the name implies, a SOCIAL club, a way to meet new people and have a community with others. I thought about joining one last year, but I didn't want to become overwhelmed since I had just started at LCU. Now, I'm ready. I want that community and sisterhood. I want to meet new people and make more friends. Also, it'll be easier this way because I won't be the only one that has to meet new people; it won't be all on me. 
     Last night, I went to the first meeting they had about joining the social clubs. The process is called RUSH, and it's kind of like a choosing and initiation process. It's a long process that's going to last all semester, but I think it's going to be worth it. One of the girls clubs invited us to a girls' night after the meeting. I thought to myself, "I have to go to that. What a great opportunity to make new friends! It'll also be a great opportunity to meet the people in this particular club, for them to get to know me before RUSH, and maybe for them to want me in their club." Maybe if I show them I want to hang out with them and get to know them, they'll be more likely to give me a bid (an invite to be in their club). Even if I don't end up in their club, I will have made some new friends. That's one of the things I want most of all. Win: Win! 
     I went, by myself I will add, to girls' night. I didn't know anyone. I mean, I'd seen some of the girls around campus but didn't know any of them personally. I was a little uneasy at first and a little slow to warm up, but the girls were really nice and welcoming. Many of them came up to me, which I need, and introduced themselves to me and talked to me. I met so many new people and had some awesome conversations. We made s'mores and had a great time! I even got invited to join them at next week's girls' night! I'm also friends with several of the girls on Facebook now. It felt so amazing to branch out and meet new people. Kelcy: 1 Autism: 0

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Sensory Overload: Meltdown Triggers

     The other day, I was reminded how even the littlest thing can trigger a meltdown sometimes. On this particular day, I had a pretty busy day. Work was pretty stressful. Even though I only worked until 2:30, I didn't have another teacher to help me. I know I can do it by myself, but it still makes me anxious. So that was an anxiety-provoking morning. Then I got to go home for a while, relax, and be by myself. This was good because it helps me unwind from all the overload I get from the outside world and people around me. 
     That evening, I went to a surprise dinner for a friend that was in town for Houston. She moved away a few months ago, and she finally came down for a visit! Other than her, me, and our other friend, there were a lot of parents of her old preschool kiddos there. (She's a preschool teacher). Most of them brought their kids. I'd seen most of them around since we used to work at the same preschool, but I didn't really know any of them. Our other friend was also her old aide, so she knew all the parents as well. They easily talked to everyone there. I only knew two of the parents, and that's not even very well. I talked to them some but not a lot. Most of the time, I sat there listening to everyone else talk, chiming in every once in a while if I had a relevant comment. Worse than being an Aspie in a room of unfamiliar people making small talk was that we were having dinner in a restaurant that also had arcade games. There were a lot of kids running around, yelling, lights going off, noises, so much sensory stimuli. It was crazy! I found myself spacing out a lot. 
     When we finally got out of there, I wanted some snacks. As I was headed to Walgreens, I passed a cop car that was parked outside a house. I hate emergency vehicle lights. They flash, and they're bright. I tried not to look at them, but I had to watch where I was driving. I was trying to watch the road out of the corner of my eye. I thought I was past it and looked up. I wasn't. The lights flashed right in my eyes! They were bright. They hurt my eyes and my head. I suspect normal people aren't even bothered by them, but they are like torture to me. When that happened and after all the other stuff that happened that day, I was pushed to my limit. I was in sensory overload, and I went into a meltdown. I started crying, and I was mad. I cried for a good 15 or 20 minutes. Sometimes, my meltdowns are longer than that. It just depends on how overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, sad, or mad I am. 
     When I think back to that day, I think about what that might look like to someone else. Sometimes, when a person with autism gets upset, it seems like it's the simplest thing that triggers a meltdown. However, "typical" people may not see the other things that are affecting the autistic person, causing that anxiety to rise until it explodes. It may not be just that one simple thing or even some big, dramatic event that's the trigger for a meltdown. Sometimes, it's the accumulation of little things that pile on top of each other until the person gets pushed over the edge. They can't take one more. With me, it wasn't just the police car lights; although, it might have seemed that way to someone had they been with me. That event just happened to make the pile tumble over. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Stigmatization of Autism

     In one of my psychology classes, we are talking about labeling and how certain labels put a stigma on people. There are obvious things that have stigmas associated with them, such as being a criminal, having a mental disorder, or committing certain sins. However, I never realized having autism could have such a stigma attached to it. I'm used to people being uneducated and unaware. I've been fighting that since my diagnosis. But I have only recently experienced people associate a negative stigma with my autism. 
     I recently started online dating. There are several reasons I decided to start dating this way, but I won't get into those today. Obviously, there are certain things you don't disclose to people right away. I decided from the beginning not to share that I have autism or bipolar disorder, as those are two things that I want to share when I know someone better. I have talked to a couple of guys and gotten to know them. When the opportunity presented itself, I would tell them about my autism. All but one of them stopped talking to me after that. The one that accepted it, we stopped talking for another reason. It really shocked me that these guys, on a Christian dating site who are supposed to be men of God, can't even accept that about me. It makes me think, "If they can't accept that I have autism, they definitely won't be able to accept that I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder has an even bigger negative stigma attached to it." In a way, it's very discouraging. That it's going to be hard for me to find someone who accepts me for who I am and everything that comes with me. I mean, I've always kind of been afraid of that, but the reactions of these guys is making it worse. 
     I just keep reminding myself that God has made someone that's just right for me and, in His perfect timing, I will find him. I have to trust Him. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Being Rendered Speechless

     When under great stress, I don't always know what to say. It's usually difficult to find the words to express how I feel. That happened last week. I can't really get into details so I have to be vague. Sorry. Two of my friends were not being treated right, and it all came crashing down the other day. When they told me what happened, I can't even describe the feelings that came over me. All I could do was stand there with my mouth open like an idiot lol. I could feel the anger and anxiety building up inside me. Without a word, I had to turn around and walk away for a minute. I couldn't think. I couldn't process what I was just told. This couldn't be happening, right? Why were they treating my friends like this? I went back to them after a minute to see if they needed anything. They said it was okay, and that I better go for now so I didn't get mixed up in what was happening. The whole situation was a mess, in case you didn't figure that out. 
     I tried to go about my business, but I couldn't contain my feelings. I walked down the hall, fists clenched, and shoved the door open...hard. I really thought someone was going to get mad at me for slamming at the door. I sat on the couch and cried. I had a complete meltdown. Worse than that, the only people that wanted to talk to me were the people I was mad at for hurting my friends. The people I wanted to talk to, I couldn't talk to because they were trying to protect me so I wouldn't get mixed up in the situation. It sucked. I cried because of that. I cried because my world had changed in a second. I cried because I suddenly felt alone. Most of all, I cried because my friends had been mistreated, and they were hurting. I was angry for them. I was sad for them. 
     That's all I could do...cry. That's how I expressed how I felt. I couldn't find the words that described it. When I'm upset, my mind either races with thoughts or it stops completely. When my thoughts race, my mouth can't keep up. So if I try to talk, my mouth gets out about one word before my mind is onto another thought. When it stops working, that's when I can't find any words. It's like trying to fish out of an empty lake. I don't remember which one was going on during this time, but I couldn't find words all the same. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."

Conversation Give and Take

     As many of you probably know, communication is not one of the strong characteristics of an autistic person. Even though I have Asperger syndrome, am high-functioning, and seem pretty "normal" most of the time, I still struggle with aspects of conversation that typical people come by naturally. One example is the give and take of conversations. This may be in the form of greetings, talking about how the day went, getting to know each other, etc. Recently, I had the realization that I'm horrible at the taking part of conversation. I was used to people asking questions about me and answering them. I was used to people saying hi to me or asking me how I was. However, I didn't realize that it works both ways. I'm not saying I'm terrible at all parts of this concept all the time, but my skills are definitely lacking. 
     Recently, I have tried to become more conscious about my conversations. When people ask me how I am, I remind myself to do the same. When having a conversation, I remind myself to ask the person questions about them. Keep in mind that before, it's not that I wasn't interested in other people; I was. It's just that the rules of conversation don't come naturally to people with autism. We don't do it on purpose. We actually have to consciously think about the conversation and how to do it "right". Maybe that's why we can get so overwhelmed sometimes Lol. What you typical people take for granted, we have to work at. This is one reason it's important to support and be understanding. Hopefully, with some more work, I can be even better at this :)

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~