Autism is a life-long condition that currently has no cure. There are treatments and therapies that can help individuals improve or overcome some of the symptoms of autism, but it never truly goes away. Sometimes progress is slow, but those little victories can be monumental for some with autism. Even though I have high-functioning autism, I still have my share of personal victories of overcoming my autism.
The most recent one was last night. I've been with my boyfriend, Tommy, for a little over 4 months now. Naturally, as relationships do, we've grown closer together and have gotten more comfortable around each other. Last night, we were having one of those intimate moments where we were talking face to face. One of those really close and special moments. During these times, I've always been aware that he looks, or tries to look, into my eyes. However, I've never been able to meet his gaze. Now, I've written a post on here in the past about why eye contact is difficult for people on the autism spectrum, or at least for me. I always look at people's mouths 1) because it makes it look like I'm making eye contact and 2) because it helps me understand what people are saying. Sometimes, in the past, I've tried to make eye contact but could only hold it for a few seconds. Last night was different though.
Last night, I decided to try an experiment. Last night, I decided to be brave. For the first time since I can remember, I met someone's gaze.....and held it! I wasn't looking at his mouth or his nose or the top of his head but into his eyes! I noticed something.....I didn't feel anxious or awkward or overwhelmed or confused or anything like that. I don't think I can fully explain to you what I felt, but it was good. Even though I did see a lot of emotion in his eyes, it wasn't overwhelming. I seemed to understand them all. I was able to hold his gaze for maybe 15-30 seconds (which is a lot compared to 1-3 seconds before) before I would have to look away. I would regain my thoughts and composure and then could meet his gaze again! This happened 3 times!
We ended up talking about it later. He thanked me for trusting him that much to step out of my comfort zone and try something like that. I swear, I almost started crying tears of joy because I felt so good. You see, "typical" people take this kind of stuff for granted. It's not that easy for us. Every obstacle we overcome, every triumph we gain, every little victory we have feels huge. Overcoming the challenges of autism means being able to connect better with the people and the world around us. For me, I didn't just make eye contact with someone. I connected with him on a new level, a level I've never been able to do before. That's why we celebrate.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Oh Yeah, I Have Autism
I've known for a while that I'm on the autism spectrum. I've had an official diagnosis for a little over 6 years now. Many people tell me that they would never have guessed that I have autism. It's because I'm on the high-functioning end of the spectrum, and my autism is different than those on the severe end. There are times when I, myself, forget that I have autism. Of course, I don't mean that I literally forget. I just mean that, at times, it affects me less than it does at other times.
Then there are times like the other night, when I'm reminded that I am, if fact, on the autism spectrum. In certain situations, it's possible to see the defining characteristics of autism or to see a classic autism behavior or response in me. The other night, no matter how much I tried to reason with myself and be calm, autism hijacked my brain and shut it down.
You may know that people with autism like to have routine and rituals. Any changes to these routines bring anxiety, confusion, and fear. You may also know that people with autism can get attached to certain objects. This story starts by telling you that I sleep with a sleep mask. I do this because I can't stand any light when I'm trying to sleep. I can't make any room pitch black, especially when the sun comes up. So...sleep mask. I sleep with it every night. Also, I've had this thing for years. It's starting to fall apart. However, do I throw it out and get a new one? Nope! I like that one, and I'm used to it.
Well....the other night, I couldn't find it. I tore up my entire room trying to find it, getting more and more upset as time went on. This is where I tried to reason with myself. "Just go to bed without it. It'll be fine for tonight." However, every time I thought about doing that, my anxiety would only worsen. I can't fully explain to you why the thought of going to bed without my sleep mask for one night gave me such anxiety, but it did. It was a change in routine. It was the fact that I couldn't find something that I needed/wanted. It didn't help that I was exhausted because it was late at night. It was also the end of the week, and I was exhausted from work and summer school and everything else. I eventually became somewhat hysterical from what I remember, which is kind of hard because when I get like that, everything becomes a little hazy. I was searching frantically, crying, and the only thing I could manage to say over and over again was "Where is it? I want it." When I finally found it, I was so exhausted and all worked up that I laid on my bed and cried until I almost fell asleep.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to autism. This is something that can happen in the face of change, exhaustion, and anxiety. It happens to me, and it happens to others as well. Just like it was hard for me to reason with myself, it's very hard/near impossible to reason with someone who is in a meltdown. Anxiety takes over the whole person, and it's a downward spiral. Some people may read this and not understand it at all. They don't understand how something "so small" can trigger something "so big", such as a meltdown. But it can. For us, those things are not small. For us, those "small things" can trigger emotions we may have a hard time interpreting and expressing. They can trigger responses we may not know how to control. We end up crying, shutting down, or lashing out. Maybe if you saw the world the way we see it, those things wouldn't seem so small after all.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Then there are times like the other night, when I'm reminded that I am, if fact, on the autism spectrum. In certain situations, it's possible to see the defining characteristics of autism or to see a classic autism behavior or response in me. The other night, no matter how much I tried to reason with myself and be calm, autism hijacked my brain and shut it down.
You may know that people with autism like to have routine and rituals. Any changes to these routines bring anxiety, confusion, and fear. You may also know that people with autism can get attached to certain objects. This story starts by telling you that I sleep with a sleep mask. I do this because I can't stand any light when I'm trying to sleep. I can't make any room pitch black, especially when the sun comes up. So...sleep mask. I sleep with it every night. Also, I've had this thing for years. It's starting to fall apart. However, do I throw it out and get a new one? Nope! I like that one, and I'm used to it.
Well....the other night, I couldn't find it. I tore up my entire room trying to find it, getting more and more upset as time went on. This is where I tried to reason with myself. "Just go to bed without it. It'll be fine for tonight." However, every time I thought about doing that, my anxiety would only worsen. I can't fully explain to you why the thought of going to bed without my sleep mask for one night gave me such anxiety, but it did. It was a change in routine. It was the fact that I couldn't find something that I needed/wanted. It didn't help that I was exhausted because it was late at night. It was also the end of the week, and I was exhausted from work and summer school and everything else. I eventually became somewhat hysterical from what I remember, which is kind of hard because when I get like that, everything becomes a little hazy. I was searching frantically, crying, and the only thing I could manage to say over and over again was "Where is it? I want it." When I finally found it, I was so exhausted and all worked up that I laid on my bed and cried until I almost fell asleep.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to autism. This is something that can happen in the face of change, exhaustion, and anxiety. It happens to me, and it happens to others as well. Just like it was hard for me to reason with myself, it's very hard/near impossible to reason with someone who is in a meltdown. Anxiety takes over the whole person, and it's a downward spiral. Some people may read this and not understand it at all. They don't understand how something "so small" can trigger something "so big", such as a meltdown. But it can. For us, those things are not small. For us, those "small things" can trigger emotions we may have a hard time interpreting and expressing. They can trigger responses we may not know how to control. We end up crying, shutting down, or lashing out. Maybe if you saw the world the way we see it, those things wouldn't seem so small after all.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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