Autism is a life-long condition that currently has no cure. There are treatments and therapies that can help individuals improve or overcome some of the symptoms of autism, but it never truly goes away. Sometimes progress is slow, but those little victories can be monumental for some with autism. Even though I have high-functioning autism, I still have my share of personal victories of overcoming my autism.
The most recent one was last night. I've been with my boyfriend, Tommy, for a little over 4 months now. Naturally, as relationships do, we've grown closer together and have gotten more comfortable around each other. Last night, we were having one of those intimate moments where we were talking face to face. One of those really close and special moments. During these times, I've always been aware that he looks, or tries to look, into my eyes. However, I've never been able to meet his gaze. Now, I've written a post on here in the past about why eye contact is difficult for people on the autism spectrum, or at least for me. I always look at people's mouths 1) because it makes it look like I'm making eye contact and 2) because it helps me understand what people are saying. Sometimes, in the past, I've tried to make eye contact but could only hold it for a few seconds. Last night was different though.
Last night, I decided to try an experiment. Last night, I decided to be brave. For the first time since I can remember, I met someone's gaze.....and held it! I wasn't looking at his mouth or his nose or the top of his head but into his eyes! I noticed something.....I didn't feel anxious or awkward or overwhelmed or confused or anything like that. I don't think I can fully explain to you what I felt, but it was good. Even though I did see a lot of emotion in his eyes, it wasn't overwhelming. I seemed to understand them all. I was able to hold his gaze for maybe 15-30 seconds (which is a lot compared to 1-3 seconds before) before I would have to look away. I would regain my thoughts and composure and then could meet his gaze again! This happened 3 times!
We ended up talking about it later. He thanked me for trusting him that much to step out of my comfort zone and try something like that. I swear, I almost started crying tears of joy because I felt so good. You see, "typical" people take this kind of stuff for granted. It's not that easy for us. Every obstacle we overcome, every triumph we gain, every little victory we have feels huge. Overcoming the challenges of autism means being able to connect better with the people and the world around us. For me, I didn't just make eye contact with someone. I connected with him on a new level, a level I've never been able to do before. That's why we celebrate.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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