The other day, I encountered something I haven't had to deal with in a while...a person who didn't understand autism. It's always discouraging to me when I come across a person like this, especially when they are a friend of mine. So, the other day, I was having a bad day when it comes to my autism, and my characteristics were showing up more. I was having significant difficulty communicating with others and, in fact, didn't want to speak at all if I could help it. I was also expressing stimming behaviors like rocking and bouncing. My friend's anxiety was also increasing, as she had never seen this in me before. She kept asking me to stop, and I would try. However, the more I tried, the more anxious I became. Therefore, the more the behaviors continued. One of my other friends, who understands my autism very well, was standing up for me and trying to explain to her what was going on. She was also making jokes at our friend so as to lessen the tension (she was not making jokes at me.)
A couple days later, I was talking to this friend about this episode that she seemed to have a problem with. She confessed that she was a little freaked out and annoyed with the episode displayed. She said she's been around autistic people, but I still don't think she fully understands that not all autistic people are alike. I tried my best to explain. She said that I needed to learn to control the episodes. What she doesn't understand is that they are an involuntary response to extreme frustration, stress, overstimulation, being overwhelmed, or things like that. I've tried to, in the past, "control" them or "just ignore" them, but it doesn't work. If I try to go on like normal in these times, my anxiety level will rise to dangerous levels and could cause a meltdown or shutdown, which she definitely doesn't want to see. I'll talk about meltdowns and shutdowns in autism and Asperger's in another post some other time, as they are a very complex topic.
Anyway, seeing I wasn't going to get through to her in the current conversation we were having, I ended up apologizing to her for annoying her and freaking her out! However, I feel now that I shouldn't have had to apologize to her for anything. Autism is a part of who I am. It always has been, and it always will be. This is why awareness needs to be raised about autism, for children and adults both. Nobody with autism should have to apologize or be antagonized for having autism or displaying the behaviors that go along with it, especially if they aren't harming anyone. I hope one day I can get her and all others to understand what we as autistics deal with on a daily basis. Help us spread awareness of autism and its signs.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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