So I have learned something new about myself recently. I mean, I've probably always been like this, but I'm just now starting to realize and understand what it is and what it means. I don't know if other people with autism are like this, but I am.
I am what I call an emotional sponge. The strongest emotion in the room is the one I soak up, even if I don't mean to or know what it is. If it's strongly happy, then I'm happy. If it's strongly sad, then I'm sad. If it's strongly angry, then I'm angry. You may think, "Well everyone does that." In a sense, yes they do. However, when it happens to me, it usually happens subconsciously. My mood will change, and I won't even know why. For example, I was hanging out with a group of friends one time. I didn't know it at the time, but there was some tension between two of them about something that had happened earlier. They said nothing about it and tried to act normal. However, the longer we hung out, the more tense and anxious I started to feel. I was even starting to feel angry and started to shut down. I didn't understand why I was feeling that way until I learned what was going on between my two friends. It bewildered me that even though I had no idea what was going on, I still felt all those emotions. It's like I was being empathetic without even knowing it.
Another thing that comes with being an emotional sponge is the way I listen to people who are hurting or upset. Let me explain. I've just recently paid attention to this as well. When I listen to people share a story that makes them cry or involves any kind of strong emotion, I tend to (again) soak it all in. For example, I recently had to share my testimony along with some of the other girls. I cried some while giving mine and cried a little when the others shared theirs. Compared to everyone else, though, I hardly cried. I sat there with what felt like a flat expression on my face, hugged my knees to my chest, and just listened. Only when everyone was finished did I break down into choking sobs. It almost felt like I was absorbing everyone's hurt, all their negative emotions for them, and letting them out in one big cry. I understand I can't really do that. Sometimes, I wish I could, but that's what it feels like for me.
Being an emotional sponge with autism is really hard sometimes. It's hard for me to identify and understand emotions when I know what's going on in the first place. When I don't know what's going on but I start feeling all these emotions anyway, it can be really confusing! Now I'm not saying I'm totally clueless. However, if I'm getting an angry vibe or something, I'm going to be trying to figure out what's going on. That may not be very easy. Now, is it always a bad thing? Absolutely not. It can be good because it causes me to feel how others feel, empathy. It allows me to (hopefully) identify those feelings and try to do something to help. Now that I know this happens to me, maybe I can work on improving it. Maybe I can start trying to understand it better and use it as an advantage. Maybe it will help me be even better at empathizing. Not saying I'm horrible at that, but I could be better. Getting better all the time at this social stuff ;)
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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