I've known for a while that I'm on the autism spectrum. I've had an official diagnosis for a little over 6 years now. Many people tell me that they would never have guessed that I have autism. It's because I'm on the high-functioning end of the spectrum, and my autism is different than those on the severe end. There are times when I, myself, forget that I have autism. Of course, I don't mean that I literally forget. I just mean that, at times, it affects me less than it does at other times.
Then there are times like the other night, when I'm reminded that I am, if fact, on the autism spectrum. In certain situations, it's possible to see the defining characteristics of autism or to see a classic autism behavior or response in me. The other night, no matter how much I tried to reason with myself and be calm, autism hijacked my brain and shut it down.
You may know that people with autism like to have routine and rituals. Any changes to these routines bring anxiety, confusion, and fear. You may also know that people with autism can get attached to certain objects. This story starts by telling you that I sleep with a sleep mask. I do this because I can't stand any light when I'm trying to sleep. I can't make any room pitch black, especially when the sun comes up. So...sleep mask. I sleep with it every night. Also, I've had this thing for years. It's starting to fall apart. However, do I throw it out and get a new one? Nope! I like that one, and I'm used to it.
Well....the other night, I couldn't find it. I tore up my entire room trying to find it, getting more and more upset as time went on. This is where I tried to reason with myself. "Just go to bed without it. It'll be fine for tonight." However, every time I thought about doing that, my anxiety would only worsen. I can't fully explain to you why the thought of going to bed without my sleep mask for one night gave me such anxiety, but it did. It was a change in routine. It was the fact that I couldn't find something that I needed/wanted. It didn't help that I was exhausted because it was late at night. It was also the end of the week, and I was exhausted from work and summer school and everything else. I eventually became somewhat hysterical from what I remember, which is kind of hard because when I get like that, everything becomes a little hazy. I was searching frantically, crying, and the only thing I could manage to say over and over again was "Where is it? I want it." When I finally found it, I was so exhausted and all worked up that I laid on my bed and cried until I almost fell asleep.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to autism. This is something that can happen in the face of change, exhaustion, and anxiety. It happens to me, and it happens to others as well. Just like it was hard for me to reason with myself, it's very hard/near impossible to reason with someone who is in a meltdown. Anxiety takes over the whole person, and it's a downward spiral. Some people may read this and not understand it at all. They don't understand how something "so small" can trigger something "so big", such as a meltdown. But it can. For us, those things are not small. For us, those "small things" can trigger emotions we may have a hard time interpreting and expressing. They can trigger responses we may not know how to control. We end up crying, shutting down, or lashing out. Maybe if you saw the world the way we see it, those things wouldn't seem so small after all.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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