A Time of Regression

     So my semester at school is coming to an end, which is really stressful.  Projects are due, grades have to be maintained, finals to worry about...it's all so crazy!  With the increasing stress comes regression into autism.  Let me explain.
     In times of regression, my autism gets worse.  Social situations are harder to be in.  Verbal communication becomes even more difficult.  I am more easily overwhelmed and overstimulated.  My repetitive behaviors come out more often and are more severe.  I need more time to myself away from other people.  I can get irritable and have meltdowns quicker as well.  Concentration and memory suffer, which is not good considering the importance of finals.  These are just some of the things that happen in regression.  It is actually a complex concept that even I'm still learning about.  It's even hard to explain to some of my friends and loved ones.  Some of them just don't understand how I can function so good some days, and then some days I can barely function at all.  However, there are a few people in my life that understand very well.  I consider them all very close friends, and I'm very grateful for their love and support.  
     Anyway, I can feel myself going down that road.  I can feel myself regressing as finals draw closer and closer.  I have more days of it being difficult to find the words to speak.  I'm having a harder time being around people that aren't close friends or family.  I have no desire or ability to meet new people at all, which our church group intern is insisting I do lately.  Staying focused in class is really difficult and remembering stuff for tests is even harder.  My already overactive senses are even more heightened, which means sensory overload more often.  My stimming, or repetitive, behaviors have also increased, like moving my hands, rocking, hair twirling, jumping around, etc.  Hopefully, once the semester ends, everything will calm down a little bit, and my autism will improve again.


"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently.  I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."  ~Me~

Mild Meltdown

     Yesterday was not a good day for me at all.  It was worse than a typical Monday.  First of all, I only got about 5 hours of sleep.  Then at lunch, I'm a leader at the college Baptist Student Ministry.  I was happy with greeting people at the door because it required superficial interaction.  However, one of our interns insisted I actually sit down and have conversations with people.  I was so not in the mood for this or her persistence.  So I picked an easy person to talk to...the speaker.  I knew that if she could speak in front of people, she'd be willing to speak to me.
     Then I had to go take a test in Anatomy & Physiology.  Even though I studied, the test was still hard.  After my test, I saw one of my guy friends in the hall and talked to him.  We made plans to go look at apartments together, but we were going to meet at his apartment first.  This meant I had to be around the "friend" that has been giving me a hard time about my autism and seizures lately (the one I mentioned in my last post).  Luckily, my other friends were there, and that's why I keep going over there.  Well, we didn't end up going to look for apartments because he had to go to a dinner date.  
     Anyway, while I was there, I'm pretty sure my "friend" that keeps patronizing me was talking behind my back.  I didn't hear exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure my name was said.  I asked my other friend what was going on; why she didn't seem to like me anymore.  I asked why she was treating me different than she had before.  She said she didn't really know, but that it was probably that my seizures and autism freaked her out; that she wasn't used to them.  I said that it wasn't my fault, and that I couldn't help it.  She said she knew that, but that our other friend just didn't understand.  She told me to just ignore her and to remember I had plenty of other friends there that understood me and loved me for who I was.  I told her I was trying to ignore her, but it was hard because her attitude was making it awkward and tense between us when I was around her.  
     When I left, I went to Alpha (my Monday night Bible study).  The whole situation was eating away at my mind.  By the time I got to Alpha, my anxiety and anger were extremely high, and my brain could not function enough so that I could talk to people. When everyone else sat down in the group, I stood along the back wall, away from everyone else.  Lucky for me, one of my friends knows sign language, and we communicated across the room.  She eventually got me to go sit down beside her.  After the Bible study, I was "talking" to her about my day.  I was using my phone to communicate because talking still would've taken too much brain function. I was telling her why I was so stressed out and about my "friend" being so patronizing.  She empathized with me and prayed with me.
     When I got in my truck to drive home, I went into my meltdown.  I just couldn't stand the anxiety of the day anymore.  I was so overwhelmed.  I was crying uncontrollably and loudly. Sometimes in mild meltdowns, I do things that some might consider self-injurious behaviors. These usually include chewing on my fingers, fingernails, or the back of my hands.  It's because in a meltdown, my pain tolerance and need for sensory input is much higher.  I also don't realize I'm doing it most of the time. It doesn't hurt me and is usually not a big deal because I don't mutilate my skin or anything.
     I was crying so hard, it was choking me to the point that I would cough and gag.  It took me the whole way home to calm down, which takes about 30 minutes.  Keep in mind, that's just a mild meltdown.  When people leave me alone or know how to intervene effectively, meltdowns will usually only be mild. However, when people won't leave me alone or don't know how to intervene effectively and end up raising my anxiety, the meltdown could be worse. It also just makes me feel worse emotionally and physically. When I got home at 10pm, I fell asleep for 2 hours.  I woke up and tried to go back to sleep.  After lying there for an hour, I gave up.  I didn't go back to sleep again until 3am.
     So, that was my Monday.  Crazy!


"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently.  I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."  ~Me~

Autism Awareness

     The other day, I encountered something I haven't had to deal with in a while...a person who didn't understand autism.  It's always discouraging to me when I come across a person like this, especially when they are a friend of mine.  So, the other day, I was having a bad day when it comes to my autism, and my characteristics were showing up more.  I was having significant difficulty communicating with others and, in fact, didn't want to speak at all if I could help it.  I was also expressing stimming behaviors like rocking and bouncing.  My friend's anxiety was also increasing, as she had never seen this in me before.  She kept asking me to stop, and I would try.  However, the more I tried, the more anxious I became.  Therefore, the more the behaviors continued.  One of my other friends, who understands my autism very well, was standing up for me and trying to explain to her what was going on.  She was also making jokes at our friend so as to lessen the tension (she was not making jokes at me.)
     A couple days later, I was talking to this friend about this episode that she seemed to have a problem with.  She confessed that she was a little freaked out and annoyed with the episode displayed.  She said she's been around autistic people, but I still don't think she fully understands that not all autistic people are alike.  I tried my best to explain.  She said that I needed to learn to control the episodes.  What she doesn't understand is that they are an involuntary response to extreme frustration, stress, overstimulation, being overwhelmed, or things like that.  I've tried to, in the past, "control" them or "just ignore" them, but it doesn't work.  If I try to go on like normal in these times, my anxiety level will rise to dangerous levels and could cause a meltdown or shutdown, which she definitely doesn't want to see.  I'll talk about meltdowns and shutdowns in autism and Asperger's in another post some other time, as they are a very complex topic.
     Anyway, seeing I wasn't going to get through to her in the current conversation we were having, I ended up apologizing to her for annoying her and freaking her out!  However, I feel now that I shouldn't have had to apologize to her for anything.  Autism is a part of who I am.  It always has been, and it always will be.  This is why awareness needs to be raised about autism, for children and adults both.  Nobody with autism should have to apologize or be antagonized for having autism or displaying the behaviors that go along with it, especially if they aren't harming anyone.  I hope one day I can get her and all others to understand what we as autistics deal with on a daily basis.  Help us spread awareness of autism and its signs.  


"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently.  I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."  ~Me~

In My Own Little iPad World

     In this post, I'll be talking about two of the things I use as stimming tools.  Stimming is a repetitive action or body movement that is hypothesized to stimulate one or more senses (wikipedia.org).  People with autism are prone to stimming to regulate sensory input and reduce anxiety.  
     Today, I was hanging out at my friends' house after class, like I do most days.  For some reason, my autism characteristics came out a little more.  I was having a hard time speaking and was engaging in repetitive behaviors.  I was jumping around and moving my arms and hands.  I was happy with sitting there, listening to everyone else have their conversations, and observing.  One of my good friends has an iPhone, and I love to play games on it, especially when my autism is acting up.  She understands this very well and will usually agree to let me play on her phone.  The only thing is I have to agree to give it to her when she gets a text or phone call, which frustrates me when I'm in autistic states.  
     Recently, I've discovered this newer game on her phone that lets you draw pictures with neon.  I've become addicted to it.  I played it for forever today.  Like I said, though, every time she got a text, I had to give her phone to her.  When an autistic person is stimming and becomes focused on what they are doing, it frustrates them to no end to be interrupted.  Even though she would give the phone back to me after checking the text, it still frustrated me to have to pause my game.  I would make a disgruntled noise every time a text would pop up, slide off the couch, scoot over to her, and hand her the phone.  
     At one point, she had to keep her phone so she could talk to her dad.  This annoyed me really bad.  Luckily, two of my other friends have iPads, which have bigger screens :)  An iPad has also been on my wishlist for a while.  I love playing on them!  I played on one of them for about another hour or two and just kept to myself in my own little world.  I know several autistic individuals and autistic children who use an iPhone or iPad a lot.  They seem to be very popular among autistic people.  I know I like them!  I can't wait until I can get one of my own, if possible.   
     One of my other stimming tools I've been using lately is a bouncing ball that has those little spikes all over it.  I like to spin it close to my face.  I also like to hit it back and forth between my hands.  It kind of looks like a cat batting a ball of yarn around haha.  In fact, one of my friends' nicknames for me was "Kitten" because of this stimming behavior.  I curl up in the floor with my legs tugged up under me, which is something I found out a lot of people can't do, and bat a ball around.  If permitted, I could do this for hours.  However, I can also concentrate on what's going on around me.  I'm still able to observe people and interact, whether I'm able to speak or not.  This is one of my more repetitive stimming behaviors, as you can probably tell.
     Although I engage in many other stimming behaviors, I wanted to talk about these two today.  I will most likely talk about the others some other time; probably when they become more prevalent.  This is because certain stimming behaviors come and go.  Anyway, there's a glimpse into just two of my stimming behaviors and how they are some of the ones coming out lately.


"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently.  I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."  ~Me~

Recharging for Another Week

     I figured while I had some down time, I'd talk about a characteristic of autism spectrum disorders that I have had since childhood.  That would be the need to shut myself away from people and recharge.  People on the autism spectrum often get overwhelmed by too much social interaction.  We can only handle so much at a time before we need to go and be off by ourselves for a while to refuel and process everything we've experienced.
     On a daily basis, this happens for me late at night, when everyone else has gone to bed.  Even when I was a kid, I had trouble falling asleep.  I still do.  I guess I always needed time to recharge, so my mind and body wouldn't let me sleep until it had processed everything from that day.  Eventually, when my parents stopped trying to force me to sleep, I started staying up and doing things like blogging, journaling, indulging in my special interests, and other things so my mind could process the day.
     On a weekly basis, I usually take all day on Saturday or Sunday to process the whole week.  I stay in my room all day away from everyone.  I try to limit my texting, phone calling, internet chatting, and other contact with friends that I see during the week at school.  My family also understands my need to be alone and tries to limit their contact with me on my chosen day.  Again, during these times, I journal, blog, indulge in my special interest, or do anything else that I feel helps me process the week I had.  
     Some people understand this concept and others do not.  Neurotypical people (people who are not on the autism spectrum) tell me that they all need this down time away from people as well.  However, in people with autism spectrum disorders, the time needed is usually longer.  We can also get very irritable or hostile if our alone time is interrupted.  Most of my friends are very supportive and respect my need of alone time.  They see my need for it and give it to me when needed if possible.  Few people, however, don't understand.  I've had to learn to deal with people like this; the people that no matter how much you explain, they just don't understand.  Some people just don't understand my need to be alone.  I will tell them not to contact me for the day, and they will anyway because of something they deem important.  However, it can usually wait until the next day.  Here's a true example story of what happened just today:
     I didn't go to church because I couldn't sleep last night.  Going to church on little sleep is usually not a good idea for me.  I woke up around lunch and ate in my room by myself.  Then I spent the afternoon on my computer.  See, one of my interests is names and name meanings.  I like giving myself and my friends different names and nicknames.  It's fun.  That's pretty much what I did on the computer all afternoon.  Neurotypicals may be thinking, "How in the world can someone spend so much time doing something like that?"  Well, when you have an autism spectrum disorder, it's actually easy to lose track of time in a special interest.  Another question may be, "How could a person find names so interesting?"  When you're on the autism spectrum, a characteristic is having limited or peculiar interests.  So, when you look at in the autism world, it's not out of the ordinary.  Anyway, then something happened that irritated me to no end.  All of my friends pretty much know not to contact me on my alone day.  Well, I told one friend, my ex-fiance, specifically not to contact me today because he has been talking to me too much lately.  However, he thought of something he deemed too important to wait until tomorrow and contacted me anyway.  All he asked was if I could take him somewhere tomorrow that was in town after my classes.  That so could have waited until tomorrow!  And he claims to know me better than almost anyone.  If he did, he would know that contacting me, when I specifically told him not to, would totally aggravate me; especially on my alone day.  Depending on how I feel tomorrow, he may get an earful.  I did come out of my room for a while to watch America's Funniest Home Videos with my parents.  Love that show!  And I love watching it with the family.  See, I can handle some interaction, but I have to control it.  It's when it's unexpected or beyond my control that it upsets me.
     Anyway, if you have a friend on the autism spectrum (or even a neurotypical friend) that says they need some alone time, you should respect that.  Give them that time.  All of us need that time to ourselves to recharge and process everything we've experienced in our lives.  We also all need time away from social pressures and expectations; to truly be ourselves.  It's usually in these down times we find out things about ourselves, problem solve, build our minds, and other essential things.  Let it happen.


"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently.  I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."  ~Me~
              

Crazy Week!

     Wow!  The title says it all; it has definitely been a crazy week.  On Tuesday, I was in a car accident.  It was a three car pile up.  They took me and another lady by ambulance to the hospital.  She hit her steering wheel and had chest pain.  I was having pain in my neck, head, and back.  They put us both on those straight boards, which did not make the pain any better.  We also got the neck braces and tape over our heads.  My airbag had come out during the crash too and hit me square in the face.  It was not fun at all!  It was also annoying because every person that came to evaluate me asked me the same questions.  I thought, "I'm pretty sure they already wrote them down; just look at my chart."  Anyway, they did x-rays of my neck and back to make sure nothing was broken or out of place.  They finally took me off the straight board and took the tape off my head after about 2 hours.  That hurt!  I thought they were about to wax my eyebrows haha.  I had to keep the neck brace on the entire time though.  On top of all that, one of my machines kept freaking out (probably b/c I was texting people LOL).  But it was beeping loudly, like I was having trouble.  A nurse came in the first time and reset it.  Well, it started freaking out again.  This time, though, it took like 10 minutes before someone came in there to reset it.  I thought, "What if I really was in trouble and no one was coming in here?"  I had even pushed my nurse button.  We finally got out of there around 11 pm (the wreck happened at about 5:30 pm).  I managed to escape with only strained back and neck muscles and a broken fingernail.  I count my blessings and thank God for that!
     On Thursday, I went in to see my new psychiatric team for the second time.  I told them how I have been feeling over the past few weeks since I've seen them last.  I told them of my severe mood swings and how I feel the medication I was put on a month ago has made those swings worse.  When I first saw them, they had suggested the possibility of a bipolar disorder.  However, they waited.  What they didn't know is they aren't the first doctors to suspect a bipolar disorder.  They finally considered treating me for bipolar disorder this time.  They think the disorder could be mild, but I could still have it.  They put me on Lamictal, which is used as a mood stabilizer but can also be used as a seizure medication.  I don't have the medication yet b/c the pharmacy has to order it, but I hope it works.  These last few weeks have been such a roller coaster.  More updates will be coming soon.


"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently.  I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."  ~Me~

Shut That Horn Up!

     Ok, so I went to my younger brother's football game tonight.  I love football and watching my younger brother.  This game, however, wasn't so delightful.  First of all, my brother didn't even get to play much because he got hurt last week.  Last week, we were afraid he may have broken the smaller bone of the lower leg.  Luckily, we found out he just has a deep muscle bruise.  He still has some pain, though.  

     Second, we had to drive almost 3 hours to get to the town we were playing in.  It was such a long car ride.  Lucky for me, riding in the car puts me in some kind of trance, and I can just stare out of the window forever.  And that's pretty much what I did while listening to the radio.  Third, it was just a bad game.  The refs were horrible.  They were making terrible calls, and we just couldn't get a break.  

     However, the worst thing for me was the horn the other team kept blasting every time they scored.  It was so loud!  Even a normal person would find this horn hard to tolerate after a while.  However, if you're someone on the autism spectrum, like me, it makes your toes curl every time.  Each time they scored, I prepared myself and covered my ears because I just couldn't stand the sound.  Imagine my surprise the first time they blew it.  I had no idea it was coming and couldn't prepare myself.  Also, the other team scored 71 points.  That's a lot of times to blow that horn, even in football!  By the end of the game, I wanted to go over there and break that horn.  That's just one example of the sensitive hearing I have as an Aspie.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently.  I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."  ~Me~