Taking Autism to See Brad Paisley

     So those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know that I went to see Brad Paisley last night! I posted several things about the concert, and it was all I could talk about in the weeks leading up to it. It was an amazing show! I'll just start from the beginning. 
     We got there early to make sure we wouldn't have to wait very long in the ticket line. It was a good decision. When we got there, there were already people lined up outside the arena. As we were standing in line, a man that takes pictures of events for the newspaper took our picture! He said he liked my blue hair haha. See, it does good to stand out sometimes. They finally let us in, and we went to find our seats. I decided I wanted a t-shirt so we went on an adventure to the merchandise stand. Finally got to the front and found out the one I wanted, they were out of my size. Typical. So Tommy bought some things, and we went to the main merchandise stand to see if they had any. No luck, but I did find another shirt I liked in my size. I ended up liking it better anyway, and it was cheaper. All around win lol. Parmalee was opening for Brad Paisley, and they had just started to play when we went to sit back down. They were great! 
     Then Brad Paisley came on! It was amazing! He had a huge screen behind him and four other screens onstage showing videos and cool images as he sang his songs. He's such a cool guy too. He was talking to us, joking around, making videos on fans phones. At one point, he stopped, took off one of his guitars, signed it, and held it out towards the crowd. After looking around for a minute, he gave it to this little girl that was standing in the pit by the stage. It was so sweet! At the end of his show, he took off his hat and gave it to a little boy that was also standing in the pit. It was an amazing show, and I loved it!
     Now, let me tell you about the concert from the autism perspective. There were a lot of people there. The place was packed. I was trying so hard not to brush up against people or touch people. It was hard to do. I felt very crowded. As we would walk through the crowds, I would hold on to Tommy like my life depended on it. God forbid we accidentally get separated, and I'm left to fend off all those people by myself. Half of them were drunk for one thing. And where there is a lot of people, there is a lot of noise. Just the people by themselves, before the concert started, were making so much noise. It was crazy! 
     When the concert started, that's when the real noise began. I don't know if other people notice this but when music is really loud, I can hear the speakers whine and crackle. Maybe other people just ignore it. I'm not sure. But I can't. I heard it throughout the whole concert. By the time we left, my ears had that feeling they have when you're up in an airplane. You know, when they need to pop because they're all stuffed up. Then there's the lights. Oh, the lights! I have a major problem with strobe lights. I think it may have to do with the fact that I get chronic migraines or something. I'm not quite sure. However, when I'm around strobe lights, I get very dizzy, disoriented, and very sick to my stomach. I've come close to throwing up a couple of times and passing out once. It's awful! And concerts love using strobe lights. Every time they go off, I have to close my eyes. It's pretty much an involuntary action now. Strobe lights go off = eyes closed! 
     The concert was great, and I had lots of fun. But I also remember why I don't go to a lot of them LOL. If I am at a concert, it's probably for someone I really like. Since concerts take so much energy and work out of me, you have to be pretty special in my book for me to get out of my comfort zone and attend. Brad Paisley: totally worth it!

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

A Change in Plans: Tim Hawkins

     So today, I was supposed to write about my experience at the Tim Hawkins concert, how great it was, and all of that. However, this nasty, unpleasant weather we've been experiencing lately preventing us from travelling :( I was very disappointed and pretty upset. Yet, it gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about how change and events like this affect people with autism. It's one of the major things we have to deal with and usually one of the defining characteristics. First, let's look at this particular day.
     Tim Hawkins is one of my favorite comedians, if not one of my favorite entertainers. My friend and former roommate Amy first introduced me to him when we roomed together in college. I've liked him ever since. I've seen every DVD he's made and watch him on YouTube regularly. I've wanted to see him live, but he has never come close enough for me to travel and see him...until now. He was finally going to be close enough that I could make a day trip and see his show! I was so excited, and I bought tickets immediately. I asked my boyfriend, Tommy, to go with me, and we made plans to go. I couldn't wait! Then...the snow storm hit. Snow and ice and slush, pretty much all the stuff I hate to walk in. It made the roads horrible. Tommy said he wasn't going to go. I kept saying that I was still going to go whether he did or not. I kept looking at weather and traffic reports trying to convince him and myself that the roads weren't that bad, that it would be safe to travel. I was determined to see Tim Hawkins! It even turned into a little argument between he and I. I was getting defensive, and, honestly, I was just being stubborn. It took talking to my parents to convince me not to go. They were having to drive on the roads and said they were horrible. I ended up feeling bad for how I snapped at Tommy, and I apologized.
     Now, you have to understand, my stubbornness wasn't because I wasn't getting my way. I mean, sure I really wanted to see Tim Hawkins, and I was really upset that I wasn't going to be able to. However, it was more to do with the fact that I had planned something, looked forward to it for weeks, and then it suddenly wasn't happening anymore. It may not have been so bad if I had known a couple of days in advance that we weren't going to be able to go. This change in plans, however, happened the day of. Autistic's brains take longer to process information. When you spring change on us, it's like trying to throw a car into reverse while driving. It's impossible. Our brains don't work that way. To put a car in reverse, you have to come to a stop first. Our brains kind of work the same way. I handle change better when I'm allowed to stop, think about it, have time to process it, and then accept it. If this doesn't happen, I get very anxious. This anxiety is what causes the "stubbornness", defensiveness, snappiness, lashing out, sometimes even crying. It just depends on how upset it makes me, how high the anxiety is. 
     So please, be sensitive and understanding. Change is hard for people with autism, and it takes hard work for us to accept it. Don't spring it on us. If possible, give us a heads up when change is going to happen. That way, we can take the time we need to process it and accept it better. Less anxiety for everyone :)

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

     

Autism on the Stage: Master Follies

     I realize I haven't posted in a couple of weeks. My life has been so busy since I've joined this social club, and it's been a blast! Two weeks ago, I was involved in Master Follies. We had shows to do that whole week, but the biggest ones were that weekend. We had been practicing for weeks, getting ready for these shows. Sometimes it felt longer than it actually was. We were usually running on little sleep, and we were around each other for hours at a time every day. It was great, and it was tiring at the same time lol.
     The shows were amazing! I admit I would get a little nervous, but it was always more of an excited nervous. I love being onstage and performing for people. I like working hard for something, practicing it, and getting to show it off. I love the applause and praises people give you when they love what they've seen. I love being able to dress up in costumes and step into a different role, to be someone else for a time. It's fun and and entertaining. I also did One Act in high school and junior high. I loved it. I'm pretty competitive, which made One Act and follies extra fun for me lol. I may not be the best one up there on the stage, but I love doing it.
     You might be thinking, "Performing? Aren't people with autism introverted and shy?" Sometimes and in some situation, yes we are. However, like I said, something happens when I get up on that stage. I'm not me. I get to be someone else. Interactions on stage are scripted, and I've been working with the cast for weeks or months before performances. I know them, and they are likely my friends. I don't know everyone in the audience, but that's ok. They only watch me, and I don't have to interact with them directly while I'm onstage. Also, on a side note, I'm horrible at improv. If I'm going to be onstage, it's going to be in a scripted performance where I know what I'm supposed to do next. If everyone on stage is supposed to improv, I'm screwed. I stink at coming up with things on the spot because I can't process things that fast.
     Through it all, follies was an amazing experience. Seeing as how this is the only follies show I will ever do, I'm so thankful to have been a part of it. It helped me grow closer to my LOA sisters and Kyodai brothers, meet some of our alumni, and experience some really great traditions. I only wish I could be around longer!

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Emotional Sponge

     So I have learned something new about myself recently. I mean, I've probably always been like this, but I'm just now starting to realize and understand what it is and what it means. I don't know if other people with autism are like this, but I am. 
     I am what I call an emotional sponge. The strongest emotion in the room is the one I soak up, even if I don't mean to or know what it is. If it's strongly happy, then I'm happy. If it's strongly sad, then I'm sad. If it's strongly angry, then I'm angry. You may think, "Well everyone does that." In a sense, yes they do. However, when it happens to me, it usually happens subconsciously. My mood will change, and I won't even know why. For example, I was hanging out with a group of friends one time. I didn't know it at the time, but there was some tension between two of them about something that had happened earlier. They said nothing about it and tried to act normal. However, the longer we hung out, the more tense and anxious I started to feel. I was even starting to feel angry and started to shut down. I didn't understand why I was feeling that way until I learned what was going on between my two friends. It bewildered me that even though I had no idea what was going on, I still felt all those emotions. It's like I was being empathetic without even knowing it. 
     Another thing that comes with being an emotional sponge is the way I listen to people who are hurting or upset. Let me explain. I've just recently paid attention to this as well. When I listen to people share a story that makes them cry or involves any kind of strong emotion, I tend to (again) soak it all in. For example, I recently had to share my testimony along with some of the other girls. I cried some while giving mine and cried a little when the others shared theirs. Compared to everyone else, though, I hardly cried. I sat there with what felt like a flat expression on my face, hugged my knees to my chest, and just listened. Only when everyone was finished did I break down into choking sobs. It almost felt like I was absorbing everyone's hurt, all their negative emotions for them, and letting them out in one big cry. I understand I can't really do that. Sometimes, I wish I could, but that's what it feels like for me. 
     Being an emotional sponge with autism is really hard sometimes. It's hard for me to identify and understand emotions when I know what's going on in the first place. When I don't know what's going on but I start feeling all these emotions anyway, it can be really confusing! Now I'm not saying I'm totally clueless. However, if I'm getting an angry vibe or something, I'm going to be trying to figure out what's going on. That may not be very easy. Now, is it always a bad thing? Absolutely not. It can be good because it causes me to feel how others feel, empathy. It allows me to (hopefully) identify those feelings and try to do something to help. Now that I know this happens to me, maybe I can work on improving it. Maybe I can start trying to understand it better and use it as an advantage. Maybe it will help me be even better at empathizing. Not saying I'm horrible at that, but I could be better. Getting better all the time at this social stuff ;)

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Autism and the Holidays

     The holidays can be a wonderful time with fun, family and friends, games, food, travelling, and gifts. Many people get time off of work, and students get time away from school. They welcome this time to get to relax and do whatever they please. While I love all of these things too, let add to it what it's like for a person with autism during the holidays. 
     Number 1 thing is I HATE SHOPPING!!!!! I don't like going to the store anyway, on any normal day. However, during the holidays, forget about it. When it all comes down to it, you may not get a present if I couldn't brave going into the store. It's not that I don't love you or don't want to get you anything; it's just that I wouldn't volunteer myself for the Hunger Games. If I can find it online, bonus! I will pay a little extra for shipping and handling. I know what you're thinking, "Everyone hates shopping during the holidays." No, you don't understand. Going shopping during the holidays means at least 3 times as many people as normal pressing into the same sized store. That increases the chances of people touching me, squishing me, bumping up against me. Not okay. Also, I'm a bit claustrophobic. I like enough space to move around in, and I don't like to feel squished and boxed in. Plus, more people equals A LOT more noise. Can you say over-stimulation? Then in all this mess of navigating through masses of people and noise, I still have to actually look for gifts for people. That takes some focus as well. I feel like I'm not giving all my thoughts into picking good presents because my mind has to deal with all the other stimulation that it can't block out. 
     Right now, I'm on a break from school and work. On one hand, the break has been nice and I needed it. On the other hand, I'm completely off schedule now. It's difficult for me to fall asleep before 2 am, which isn't going to be fun in 2 weeks when I'll have to be at work at 8 am. People with autism often do better with structure and scheduled time. That's why, even though I complain about it sometimes, I actually function well when school and work are going on. 
     I love, love, love being with my family during the holidays, but I noticed I couldn't keep conversation going the whole time. On Christmas Eve, we always go to my great aunt's house for lunch/dinner. I started out talking to everyone, eating, joking around, etc. After a while, I ended up playing a handheld video game and kind of zoning out. It's not their fault; they're awesome people. Love them to death. I just can only do so much socialization at one time. After that little break, I was good for the rest of the time. Went out and talked some more. 
     While the holidays can be challenging to someone with autism, they are still so wonderful. I have a wonderful, supportive family that I got to spend lots of time with. I ate tons of good, home-cooked food. Being a picky eater, you've got to love when you get to eat all your favorite foods LOL. Also, one thing I've always loved is Christmas decorations. We used to drive around when I was a kid and look at all the lights and decorations. Very stimulating for someone with autism. I hope you all had a very merry Christmas! Thanks to all of you who have read my blog over the years and to those who I have picked up along this year! Happy 2015!

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~ 

Don't Let Them See You Cry

     I get asked many questions about Asperger's, and I welcome them. As long as people are willing to learn and understand, I am willing to answer questions. Recently, I was asked if I accepted comfort from other people when I'm upset. The reason behind the question, I suspect, is that a characteristic of autism can be that the person isn't comforted by others in times of distress, like meltdowns. My answer: It depends.

     I'm one of those people that hates it when other people see me cry. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when someone cries, people ask what's wrong. If I'm crying, it's usually because I'm sad, angry, overwhelmed, or in a complete meltdown. In any case, my brain either completely shuts down, or it goes into hyper speed. When my brain shuts down, I can't think. When it's going a hundred miles an hour, I can't keep up. Either way, I can't tell you what's wrong in any coherent fashion. Maybe that's why I try to just avoid it all together and not cry at all. 

     However, if I have cried around you, it's because I trust you. It means you've known me long enough or well enough to know how hard emotions are for me. It means you know that expressing my emotions, especially when upset, can be difficult for me. It means you understand how my mind works, and that you have to be patient if you want answers. It means I know I don't have to hide anything from you or pretend I'm okay when I'm not. Although, this isn't the only way to know that I trust you Lol. So don't feel bad if I haven't cried around you yet; I just don't cry that much haha. 

     The other part about being comforted is the physical contact, like hugs or pats on the back. Like I said last post, I like hugs. However, when I'm upset, especially in a complete meltdown, that sensitivity to touch is very high. Again, it usually depends on how upset I am. If I'm just a little upset or down-in-the-dumps, I'll usually accept a hug or something. Somewhere in the middle of a little upset and really upset, I can usually only stand those I'm close to to give me hugs or comfort me. When I'm really upset, like meltdown upset, nobody touches me. I don't even like those I'm close to to give me hugs or anything. If you're ever unsure whether it would be okay to give me a hug when I'm upset, ask. I can at least handle a yes or no question Lol. 

     So this might explain why a person with autism having a meltdown gets worse when you touch them. Even if you're trying to help and comfort them. If they don't want to be touched, don't touch them. Let them process things. If they want to be comforted, comfort them. They will let you know. If you're not sure, ask. How else will you learn and understand?

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Give Me A Hug!

     We've talked before about how people with autism can have sensitivities to sensory stimuli. In the last post, we looked at how sensitivity to touch can influence the things I wear. Today I want to talk about how sensitivity to touch influences my interactions with other people.

     I get asked about hugging a lot. It usually goes something like, "So since you're so sensitive to touch, you probably don't like hugs right?" Or "I thought you didn't like to be touched; you like hugs?" A lot of the time, people misunderstand what I mean when I say I'm sensitive to touch. Light touch bothers me; however, I have a high pain tolerance. I have two tattoos...on the under parts of my lower arms of all places. You could hit me, and it would hurt less than if you brushed up against me. Light touch or brushing up against me feels like someone set ants loose under my skin. It makes my skin crawl. However, when most people hug, they don't do it very lightly. When most people hug, they do it tight enough that it doesn't bother me. I actually like hugs. Getting a hug on a bad day can make it better. Getting a hug any day is good :) Nevertheless, I have to be expecting the hug. People can't just come up, grab me, and hug me. My body instinctively does one of two things: stiffens up and tries to fight back or goes limp and tries to escape. It's a fight or flight response, and I can't help it. However, if I'm expecting you to hug me or if I hug you, it's all cool. 

     What I don't like are handshakes when I first meet someone. Can we adopt a custom from another culture in which we don't have to touch each other when introducing ourselves? This is where my autism and OCD mix together. Sometimes, I don't like shaking people's hands because they are sweaty, rough, or they grip my hand too tight. However, it's also because I know how dirty people's hands are. I shake people's hands because I don't want to be rude. I don't like it, though. I'd rather find another way to introduce myself to them. Like...bowing. Maybe we could start bowing to each other. Lol

     My sensitivities get worse when my anxiety is higher. It's like my mind thinks it has to be on high alert, which makes me more sensitive to everything. For example, when meet new people or being in a big crowd, my sensitivity to touch will be worse. It's rather unfortunate actually. Being in bigger crowds increases the chances of someone brushing up against you. I know that, and that just raises my anxiety even more. It's a vicious cycle. However, the more comfortable and calm I am, the less it bothers me. For example, when I'm around my family or at my own home. Anxiety is low situations like that. My mind doesn't feel the need to protect itself, and I'm less sensitive to things. 

     I hope I explained that well enough today Lol. Just because a person with autism is sensitive to touch doesn't mean they don't like hugs and affection. Just because we might have a high tolerance for pain doesn't mean it doesn't bother us when you brush up against us. Just because we like some forms of physical contact (hugs) doesn't mean we like others (handshakes). This is why it's important to get to know the person with autism. You can't just learn about autism in general. Autism looks different in each person. I am a person with autism; I am not a diagnosis. It's like they say, "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~