Having Autism, it's really hard for me to meet new people. I can't just go up to someone and start a conversation with them. I'm not good at small talk, and I run out of questions to ask people about themselves or things to say. However, if people come up and talk to me first, I'm better at staying with the conversation. Since it's hard for me to meet people like others do, I don't know a lot of people on campus. It's kind of discouraging sometimes. I see people around me greeting each other and sitting together. They all seem to know each other. I wanted to be a part of that. There are social clubs at LCU. They are kind of like frats and sororities but not as strict and cliche-ish. It's just as the name implies, a SOCIAL club, a way to meet new people and have a community with others. I thought about joining one last year, but I didn't want to become overwhelmed since I had just started at LCU. Now, I'm ready. I want that community and sisterhood. I want to meet new people and make more friends. Also, it'll be easier this way because I won't be the only one that has to meet new people; it won't be all on me.
Last night, I went to the first meeting they had about joining the social clubs. The process is called RUSH, and it's kind of like a choosing and initiation process. It's a long process that's going to last all semester, but I think it's going to be worth it. One of the girls clubs invited us to a girls' night after the meeting. I thought to myself, "I have to go to that. What a great opportunity to make new friends! It'll also be a great opportunity to meet the people in this particular club, for them to get to know me before RUSH, and maybe for them to want me in their club." Maybe if I show them I want to hang out with them and get to know them, they'll be more likely to give me a bid (an invite to be in their club). Even if I don't end up in their club, I will have made some new friends. That's one of the things I want most of all. Win: Win!
I went, by myself I will add, to girls' night. I didn't know anyone. I mean, I'd seen some of the girls around campus but didn't know any of them personally. I was a little uneasy at first and a little slow to warm up, but the girls were really nice and welcoming. Many of them came up to me, which I need, and introduced themselves to me and talked to me. I met so many new people and had some awesome conversations. We made s'mores and had a great time! I even got invited to join them at next week's girls' night! I'm also friends with several of the girls on Facebook now. It felt so amazing to branch out and meet new people. Kelcy: 1 Autism: 0
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Friday, September 5, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Sensory Overload: Meltdown Triggers
The other day, I was reminded how even the littlest thing can trigger a meltdown sometimes. On this particular day, I had a pretty busy day. Work was pretty stressful. Even though I only worked until 2:30, I didn't have another teacher to help me. I know I can do it by myself, but it still makes me anxious. So that was an anxiety-provoking morning. Then I got to go home for a while, relax, and be by myself. This was good because it helps me unwind from all the overload I get from the outside world and people around me.
That evening, I went to a surprise dinner for a friend that was in town for Houston. She moved away a few months ago, and she finally came down for a visit! Other than her, me, and our other friend, there were a lot of parents of her old preschool kiddos there. (She's a preschool teacher). Most of them brought their kids. I'd seen most of them around since we used to work at the same preschool, but I didn't really know any of them. Our other friend was also her old aide, so she knew all the parents as well. They easily talked to everyone there. I only knew two of the parents, and that's not even very well. I talked to them some but not a lot. Most of the time, I sat there listening to everyone else talk, chiming in every once in a while if I had a relevant comment. Worse than being an Aspie in a room of unfamiliar people making small talk was that we were having dinner in a restaurant that also had arcade games. There were a lot of kids running around, yelling, lights going off, noises, so much sensory stimuli. It was crazy! I found myself spacing out a lot.
When we finally got out of there, I wanted some snacks. As I was headed to Walgreens, I passed a cop car that was parked outside a house. I hate emergency vehicle lights. They flash, and they're bright. I tried not to look at them, but I had to watch where I was driving. I was trying to watch the road out of the corner of my eye. I thought I was past it and looked up. I wasn't. The lights flashed right in my eyes! They were bright. They hurt my eyes and my head. I suspect normal people aren't even bothered by them, but they are like torture to me. When that happened and after all the other stuff that happened that day, I was pushed to my limit. I was in sensory overload, and I went into a meltdown. I started crying, and I was mad. I cried for a good 15 or 20 minutes. Sometimes, my meltdowns are longer than that. It just depends on how overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, sad, or mad I am.
When I think back to that day, I think about what that might look like to someone else. Sometimes, when a person with autism gets upset, it seems like it's the simplest thing that triggers a meltdown. However, "typical" people may not see the other things that are affecting the autistic person, causing that anxiety to rise until it explodes. It may not be just that one simple thing or even some big, dramatic event that's the trigger for a meltdown. Sometimes, it's the accumulation of little things that pile on top of each other until the person gets pushed over the edge. They can't take one more. With me, it wasn't just the police car lights; although, it might have seemed that way to someone had they been with me. That event just happened to make the pile tumble over.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
That evening, I went to a surprise dinner for a friend that was in town for Houston. She moved away a few months ago, and she finally came down for a visit! Other than her, me, and our other friend, there were a lot of parents of her old preschool kiddos there. (She's a preschool teacher). Most of them brought their kids. I'd seen most of them around since we used to work at the same preschool, but I didn't really know any of them. Our other friend was also her old aide, so she knew all the parents as well. They easily talked to everyone there. I only knew two of the parents, and that's not even very well. I talked to them some but not a lot. Most of the time, I sat there listening to everyone else talk, chiming in every once in a while if I had a relevant comment. Worse than being an Aspie in a room of unfamiliar people making small talk was that we were having dinner in a restaurant that also had arcade games. There were a lot of kids running around, yelling, lights going off, noises, so much sensory stimuli. It was crazy! I found myself spacing out a lot.
When we finally got out of there, I wanted some snacks. As I was headed to Walgreens, I passed a cop car that was parked outside a house. I hate emergency vehicle lights. They flash, and they're bright. I tried not to look at them, but I had to watch where I was driving. I was trying to watch the road out of the corner of my eye. I thought I was past it and looked up. I wasn't. The lights flashed right in my eyes! They were bright. They hurt my eyes and my head. I suspect normal people aren't even bothered by them, but they are like torture to me. When that happened and after all the other stuff that happened that day, I was pushed to my limit. I was in sensory overload, and I went into a meltdown. I started crying, and I was mad. I cried for a good 15 or 20 minutes. Sometimes, my meltdowns are longer than that. It just depends on how overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, sad, or mad I am.
When I think back to that day, I think about what that might look like to someone else. Sometimes, when a person with autism gets upset, it seems like it's the simplest thing that triggers a meltdown. However, "typical" people may not see the other things that are affecting the autistic person, causing that anxiety to rise until it explodes. It may not be just that one simple thing or even some big, dramatic event that's the trigger for a meltdown. Sometimes, it's the accumulation of little things that pile on top of each other until the person gets pushed over the edge. They can't take one more. With me, it wasn't just the police car lights; although, it might have seemed that way to someone had they been with me. That event just happened to make the pile tumble over.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Stigmatization of Autism
In one of my psychology classes, we are talking about labeling and how certain labels put a stigma on people. There are obvious things that have stigmas associated with them, such as being a criminal, having a mental disorder, or committing certain sins. However, I never realized having autism could have such a stigma attached to it. I'm used to people being uneducated and unaware. I've been fighting that since my diagnosis. But I have only recently experienced people associate a negative stigma with my autism.
I recently started online dating. There are several reasons I decided to start dating this way, but I won't get into those today. Obviously, there are certain things you don't disclose to people right away. I decided from the beginning not to share that I have autism or bipolar disorder, as those are two things that I want to share when I know someone better. I have talked to a couple of guys and gotten to know them. When the opportunity presented itself, I would tell them about my autism. All but one of them stopped talking to me after that. The one that accepted it, we stopped talking for another reason. It really shocked me that these guys, on a Christian dating site who are supposed to be men of God, can't even accept that about me. It makes me think, "If they can't accept that I have autism, they definitely won't be able to accept that I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder has an even bigger negative stigma attached to it." In a way, it's very discouraging. That it's going to be hard for me to find someone who accepts me for who I am and everything that comes with me. I mean, I've always kind of been afraid of that, but the reactions of these guys is making it worse.
I just keep reminding myself that God has made someone that's just right for me and, in His perfect timing, I will find him. I have to trust Him.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
I recently started online dating. There are several reasons I decided to start dating this way, but I won't get into those today. Obviously, there are certain things you don't disclose to people right away. I decided from the beginning not to share that I have autism or bipolar disorder, as those are two things that I want to share when I know someone better. I have talked to a couple of guys and gotten to know them. When the opportunity presented itself, I would tell them about my autism. All but one of them stopped talking to me after that. The one that accepted it, we stopped talking for another reason. It really shocked me that these guys, on a Christian dating site who are supposed to be men of God, can't even accept that about me. It makes me think, "If they can't accept that I have autism, they definitely won't be able to accept that I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder has an even bigger negative stigma attached to it." In a way, it's very discouraging. That it's going to be hard for me to find someone who accepts me for who I am and everything that comes with me. I mean, I've always kind of been afraid of that, but the reactions of these guys is making it worse.
I just keep reminding myself that God has made someone that's just right for me and, in His perfect timing, I will find him. I have to trust Him.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Being Rendered Speechless
When under great stress, I don't always know what to say. It's usually difficult to find the words to express how I feel. That happened last week. I can't really get into details so I have to be vague. Sorry. Two of my friends were not being treated right, and it all came crashing down the other day. When they told me what happened, I can't even describe the feelings that came over me. All I could do was stand there with my mouth open like an idiot lol. I could feel the anger and anxiety building up inside me. Without a word, I had to turn around and walk away for a minute. I couldn't think. I couldn't process what I was just told. This couldn't be happening, right? Why were they treating my friends like this? I went back to them after a minute to see if they needed anything. They said it was okay, and that I better go for now so I didn't get mixed up in what was happening. The whole situation was a mess, in case you didn't figure that out.
I tried to go about my business, but I couldn't contain my feelings. I walked down the hall, fists clenched, and shoved the door open...hard. I really thought someone was going to get mad at me for slamming at the door. I sat on the couch and cried. I had a complete meltdown. Worse than that, the only people that wanted to talk to me were the people I was mad at for hurting my friends. The people I wanted to talk to, I couldn't talk to because they were trying to protect me so I wouldn't get mixed up in the situation. It sucked. I cried because of that. I cried because my world had changed in a second. I cried because I suddenly felt alone. Most of all, I cried because my friends had been mistreated, and they were hurting. I was angry for them. I was sad for them.
That's all I could do...cry. That's how I expressed how I felt. I couldn't find the words that described it. When I'm upset, my mind either races with thoughts or it stops completely. When my thoughts race, my mouth can't keep up. So if I try to talk, my mouth gets out about one word before my mind is onto another thought. When it stops working, that's when I can't find any words. It's like trying to fish out of an empty lake. I don't remember which one was going on during this time, but I couldn't find words all the same.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."
I tried to go about my business, but I couldn't contain my feelings. I walked down the hall, fists clenched, and shoved the door open...hard. I really thought someone was going to get mad at me for slamming at the door. I sat on the couch and cried. I had a complete meltdown. Worse than that, the only people that wanted to talk to me were the people I was mad at for hurting my friends. The people I wanted to talk to, I couldn't talk to because they were trying to protect me so I wouldn't get mixed up in the situation. It sucked. I cried because of that. I cried because my world had changed in a second. I cried because I suddenly felt alone. Most of all, I cried because my friends had been mistreated, and they were hurting. I was angry for them. I was sad for them.
That's all I could do...cry. That's how I expressed how I felt. I couldn't find the words that described it. When I'm upset, my mind either races with thoughts or it stops completely. When my thoughts race, my mouth can't keep up. So if I try to talk, my mouth gets out about one word before my mind is onto another thought. When it stops working, that's when I can't find any words. It's like trying to fish out of an empty lake. I don't remember which one was going on during this time, but I couldn't find words all the same.
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Conversation Give and Take
As many of you probably know, communication is not one of the strong characteristics of an autistic person. Even though I have Asperger syndrome, am high-functioning, and seem pretty "normal" most of the time, I still struggle with aspects of conversation that typical people come by naturally. One example is the give and take of conversations. This may be in the form of greetings, talking about how the day went, getting to know each other, etc. Recently, I had the realization that I'm horrible at the taking part of conversation. I was used to people asking questions about me and answering them. I was used to people saying hi to me or asking me how I was. However, I didn't realize that it works both ways. I'm not saying I'm terrible at all parts of this concept all the time, but my skills are definitely lacking.
Recently, I have tried to become more conscious about my conversations. When people ask me how I am, I remind myself to do the same. When having a conversation, I remind myself to ask the person questions about them. Keep in mind that before, it's not that I wasn't interested in other people; I was. It's just that the rules of conversation don't come naturally to people with autism. We don't do it on purpose. We actually have to consciously think about the conversation and how to do it "right". Maybe that's why we can get so overwhelmed sometimes Lol. What you typical people take for granted, we have to work at. This is one reason it's important to support and be understanding. Hopefully, with some more work, I can be even better at this :)
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Recently, I have tried to become more conscious about my conversations. When people ask me how I am, I remind myself to do the same. When having a conversation, I remind myself to ask the person questions about them. Keep in mind that before, it's not that I wasn't interested in other people; I was. It's just that the rules of conversation don't come naturally to people with autism. We don't do it on purpose. We actually have to consciously think about the conversation and how to do it "right". Maybe that's why we can get so overwhelmed sometimes Lol. What you typical people take for granted, we have to work at. This is one reason it's important to support and be understanding. Hopefully, with some more work, I can be even better at this :)
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Friday, December 6, 2013
Autism & Applesauce
As I've said before, one characteristic that can be present in autism is food sensitivities. One of the things I've never been able to eat is applesauce, even when I was a kid. I tried to make myself like it when I was younger. I wanted to like it. I couldn't do it. It made me gag. I couldn't stand the texture of it in my mouth. As I've grown older, some of my sensitivities have lessened. One of the ones that was always constant was applesauce. I remember an incident when I had low blood sugar and desperately needed a snack. All my friend had with her was, you guessed it, applesauce. I was refusing to eat it. She told me I was going to eat it, or she was going to force feed it to me. So I ate it, trying so hard not to let it touch my tongue. It was an awful process, and I hated it.
Well, today I got the urge to be brave. The kids I work with at the preschool were having applesauce as part of their lunch. I don't know what compelled me to do this, but I decided I was going to try to eat some it. I got a small portion on my plate and attempted my experiment. I managed to eat 6 bites of the applesauce before it started making me gag! That may not seem impressive or a big deal to you. But for me, it is a major personal victory! I was able to eat a little bit of a food I've never been able to eat without being in anguish. For a person with autism to gain a victory like this is considered a big step. It felt really good, especially because it was my idea to try it in the first place. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be eating applesauce anytime again soon, but it's not as bad as it used to be. That's something!
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
Friday, November 8, 2013
Autism Awareness
This fall, I started classes for a Bachelor's in Psychology. I love my Abnormal Psychology class because we talk about mental disorders. It makes me feel smart because I've done a lot of reading about mental disorders before I got into this class LOL. I was interested in them before I changed my major. The other day, we talked about Autism Spectrum Disorder. It felt good that I could help answer questions that came up in class, from personal experience and from research I've done.
However, all the questions asked made me remember that awareness still needs to raised. Maybe it was just my personal experience with autism, but the answers to the questions seemed so easy. It made me think that some people still don't know that much about autism. It kind of hit hard. Lately, I guess I've been around people who know about and understand my autism enough that they don't need to ask questions. Then in class, I remembered, "Oh yeah. Not everyone has seen autism personally. Some people don't understand." However, this little reminder was good for me because it reminded me that we still need to raise awareness for autism. It's one of the reasons I got my tattoo. To start conversations with people about autism. To get people interested and asking questions about it. Like I've always said since I was diagnosed, "I will be a voice."
"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~
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