Being Rendered Speechless

     When under great stress, I don't always know what to say. It's usually difficult to find the words to express how I feel. That happened last week. I can't really get into details so I have to be vague. Sorry. Two of my friends were not being treated right, and it all came crashing down the other day. When they told me what happened, I can't even describe the feelings that came over me. All I could do was stand there with my mouth open like an idiot lol. I could feel the anger and anxiety building up inside me. Without a word, I had to turn around and walk away for a minute. I couldn't think. I couldn't process what I was just told. This couldn't be happening, right? Why were they treating my friends like this? I went back to them after a minute to see if they needed anything. They said it was okay, and that I better go for now so I didn't get mixed up in what was happening. The whole situation was a mess, in case you didn't figure that out. 
     I tried to go about my business, but I couldn't contain my feelings. I walked down the hall, fists clenched, and shoved the door open...hard. I really thought someone was going to get mad at me for slamming at the door. I sat on the couch and cried. I had a complete meltdown. Worse than that, the only people that wanted to talk to me were the people I was mad at for hurting my friends. The people I wanted to talk to, I couldn't talk to because they were trying to protect me so I wouldn't get mixed up in the situation. It sucked. I cried because of that. I cried because my world had changed in a second. I cried because I suddenly felt alone. Most of all, I cried because my friends had been mistreated, and they were hurting. I was angry for them. I was sad for them. 
     That's all I could do...cry. That's how I expressed how I felt. I couldn't find the words that described it. When I'm upset, my mind either races with thoughts or it stops completely. When my thoughts race, my mouth can't keep up. So if I try to talk, my mouth gets out about one word before my mind is onto another thought. When it stops working, that's when I can't find any words. It's like trying to fish out of an empty lake. I don't remember which one was going on during this time, but I couldn't find words all the same. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way."

Conversation Give and Take

     As many of you probably know, communication is not one of the strong characteristics of an autistic person. Even though I have Asperger syndrome, am high-functioning, and seem pretty "normal" most of the time, I still struggle with aspects of conversation that typical people come by naturally. One example is the give and take of conversations. This may be in the form of greetings, talking about how the day went, getting to know each other, etc. Recently, I had the realization that I'm horrible at the taking part of conversation. I was used to people asking questions about me and answering them. I was used to people saying hi to me or asking me how I was. However, I didn't realize that it works both ways. I'm not saying I'm terrible at all parts of this concept all the time, but my skills are definitely lacking. 
     Recently, I have tried to become more conscious about my conversations. When people ask me how I am, I remind myself to do the same. When having a conversation, I remind myself to ask the person questions about them. Keep in mind that before, it's not that I wasn't interested in other people; I was. It's just that the rules of conversation don't come naturally to people with autism. We don't do it on purpose. We actually have to consciously think about the conversation and how to do it "right". Maybe that's why we can get so overwhelmed sometimes Lol. What you typical people take for granted, we have to work at. This is one reason it's important to support and be understanding. Hopefully, with some more work, I can be even better at this :)

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Autism & Applesauce

     As I've said before, one characteristic that can be present in autism is food sensitivities. One of the things I've never been able to eat is applesauce, even when I was a kid. I tried to make myself like it when I was younger. I wanted to like it. I couldn't do it. It made me gag. I couldn't stand the texture of it in my mouth. As I've grown older, some of my sensitivities have lessened. One of the ones that was always constant was applesauce. I remember an incident when I had low blood sugar and desperately needed a snack. All my friend had with her was, you guessed it, applesauce. I was refusing to eat it. She told me I was going to eat it, or she was going to force feed it to me. So I ate it, trying so hard not to let it touch my tongue. It was an awful process, and I hated it. 

     Well, today I got the urge to be brave. The kids I work with at the preschool were having applesauce as part of their lunch. I don't know what compelled me to do this, but I decided I was going to try to eat some it. I got a small portion on my plate and attempted my experiment. I managed to eat 6 bites of the applesauce before it started making me gag! That may not seem impressive or a big deal to you. But for me, it is a major personal victory! I was able to eat a little bit of a food I've never been able to eat without being in anguish. For a person with autism to gain a victory like this is considered a big step. It felt really good, especially because it was my idea to try it in the first place. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be eating applesauce anytime again soon, but it's not as bad as it used to be. That's something!

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Autism Awareness

     This fall, I started classes for a Bachelor's in Psychology. I love my Abnormal Psychology class because we talk about mental disorders. It makes me feel smart because I've done a lot of reading about mental disorders before I got into this class LOL. I was interested in them before I changed my major. The other day, we talked about Autism Spectrum Disorder. It felt good that I could help answer questions that came up in class, from personal experience and from research I've done. 

     However, all the questions asked made me remember that awareness still needs to raised. Maybe it was just my personal experience with autism, but the answers to the questions seemed so easy. It made me think that some people still don't know that much about autism. It kind of hit hard. Lately, I guess I've been around people who know about and understand my autism enough that they don't need to ask questions. Then in class, I remembered, "Oh yeah. Not everyone has seen autism personally. Some people don't understand." However, this little reminder was good for me because it reminded me that we still need to raise awareness for autism. It's one of the reasons I got my tattoo. To start conversations with people about autism. To get people interested and asking questions about it. Like I've always said since I was diagnosed, "I will be a voice."

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Bipolar Disorder

     Yesterday, at one of my 3-month psychiatric evaluations, I learned my "official" mood disorder diagnosis. It's Bipolar Disorder-NOS or Not Otherwise Specified. This means I have a lot of characteristics for a bipolar diagnosis, and I respond positively to a mood stabilizer. However, I haven't quite met all the criteria for any of the specific bipolar disorders yet...at least as far as they've seen. 
     It's interesting I still have this "label". Not Otherwise Specified is not used in the DSM anymore to name disorders. Now, it would be Unspecified Bipolar Disorder. The definition doesn't change, just the name. Personally, I think they changed it to shorten the name. Anyway, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a couple of years ago; before the current DSM manual came out. They still used the term NOS. Also, since the current DSM is so new, a lot of doctors still use the term.
     If anything, I still hold the belief that my diagnosis should be Bipolar II Disorder. I know myself pretty well and, well, I'm around myself more than they are LOL. I think I fit the criteria pretty well. Not that it matters. I love the medication I'm on. Whatever the specific type of disorder I have, the medication works for it. After years of failed medications, this is great. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

I Wish You Could Walk a Mile in My Shoes

I wish you could see what I see
I see the pattern of a leaf
And every blade of grass
I see all the colors of a painting
And each stroke of the brush

I like to look at the spinning fan
And the scenes that rush by
The window of the car
I like to watch a ball
As I roll it in front of my face

I don't like bright lights
Or when there are too many sights
I may not look into your eyes
Because they are filled
With things I may not understand

I wish you could hear what I hear
I hear the instruments of a song
And the animals calling out
I hear my mom and dad
When they say, "I love you."

I hear thunder in a storm
And the loud crash
Of something breaking on the floor
Those sounds pierce my ears
And I cover them with my hands

I hear you say my name
And when you laugh at me
I hear when you talk to me
And when you talk about me
I understand more than you think

I wish you could feel what I feel
Sometimes I feel happy and excited
I like to jump and bounce around
Or skip and run about
It gets all my energy out

Sometimes I feel scared, anxious, or frustrated
I may move my body in odd ways
Or scream and cry and hit
I may even lash out at people I love
I'm just trying to show you how I feel

I wish you could think how I think
I experience the world
Different than most people
Many people don't understand
Though they may try

I often stare off and want to be alone
People say I'm in my own world
Maybe I am
But how do you know I'm not also
Thinking, dreaming, inventing, creating, reflecting?

Anything I want to do, I can
If you just give me a chance
I may work on my own time
And I might need some help
But I am not limited

I have Autism
And this is my world
I want you to know
I am more than what you see
I am more than what you think

I wish you could experience
The world the way I do
And understand my point of view
It sure would help you if you
Could walk a mile in my shoes

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Protandim: Week Three

     I meant to write this yesterday but never got around to it. I've been on Protandim for 3 weeks now. There really haven't been any significant negative effects from it. I have experienced the common side effects from Protandim but not enough to decrease the dosage or stop taking all together. The only side effects are headaches (which I am used to anyway lol) and mild stomach upset. However, Protandim has made my stomach better in that I can go to the bathroom easier and more regularly. You're welcome for that information haha. But that's a big deal for me since I've had stomach problems since childhood.
     In my other posts, I mentioned that I may be going through a period of elevated mood called hypomania. Yesterday, my therapist agreed. So, Protandim was helping my concentration, energy, etc. Well, hypomania is affecting my concentration right now too but in the opposite way. Because of increased energy and agitation, it's hard to concentrate. My body wants to move most of the time, which is not convenient during class. The good thing is I have good insight into my condition, and I know the episode will pass soon.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~