My Two New Therapeutic Tools

     A couple of weeks ago, I bought some of that cool, new Kinetic Sand. If you've seen the commercial on TV, you've seen how cool this stuff is. I decided to buy some after watching a video from grav3yardgirl on YouTube. I talked about her videos in my last post. In this one, she reviewed Kinetic Sand, showed how cool it was, and talked about how it can be really therapeutic. It's pretty awesome. I wish I could describe on here how this stuff moves and feels. It's really unique and amazing! I love to watch it fall from my hands. I find it most helpful when I'm studying. When studying and doing homework, I get really distracted sometimes. It's hard for me to concentrate, and I lose my train of thought often. I have found that if I use Kinetic Sand while I'm doing homework, I get distracted less often. When I do find myself losing focus, I use the Kinetic Sand as the distraction instead of things like Facebook or TV. It allows me to take my mind off my work for just a few seconds, do something calming that doesn't take my full attention away from the task, and then get back to work. It's been working really well. 
     Another great thing I've acquired recently is a rocking recliner. See, my brother and I moved into a trailer house together in a very nice, gated trailer park. Our new trailer house came with a couch, chair, and the rocking recliner. It's my new favorite thing! I love it! It's so comfy. My brother claimed it as "his", but I sit in it more than he does. I like to do my homework or watch TV in it. It's really relaxing to sit there and rock back and forth in it, especially if I'm listening to music. When I'm doing homework, it actually helps me concentrate because it calms me down and reduces stress. I'm actually sitting in it right now as I write this blog post lol. So those are my two new favorite things, and how I use them to help me.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Play It Again!

     Recently, I have realized something about myself and my autism. A characteristic of autism is repetitive behaviors. It's a required characteristic to have in order to be diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. A repetitive behavior can be almost anything. It could be rocking, spinning, a child pushing the same button on a toy, listening to the same song, watching the same video, anything.....over and over and over again. 
     Mine used to be worse when I was younger. I'd rewind and watch the same movie over and over again. I'd listen to the same song as many times as someone would let me. I loved those books that had buttons that made noises. I really didn't even care about the story, just pushing the buttons haha. I used to have a little rocking chair that I would sit in all the time and rock in it while I watched TV. Now that I'm older, those repetitive behaviors have mostly disappeared.....mostly. My favorite place to sit is still in a rocking chair where I can just rock back and forth and watch TV, read, talk to people, whatever I want. If I get a new favorite song, I will still listen to it over and over again until either I get sick of it or other people do. However, the thing I realized about myself was about movies. 
     If I really like a movie, I could watch it probably every other day and not get tired of it. For example, right now my movie of choice is Divergent. I don't know how many times I've watched that movie, but I love it and could watch it again. It's not as bad as when I was younger and would watch the same movie over and over again in one day. However, I still see that characteristic in myself. 
     I also like to watch videos on YouTube. I have an account, and I'm subscribed to many channels. Right now, I'm obsessed with one channel called grav3yardgirl. Most of her videos are about make up, beauty tips, clothes, stuff like that. She also does videos in which she tests out As Seen On TV products to see if they really work. I love those videos. She also has videos where she goes shopping and takes her camera into the store so you can "follow her around" the store. I love those too because they're fun. She has a crazy, random personality.....like me sometimes lol. I can also relate to her because she vlogs about how she deals with anxiety and depression and all that not-so-fun stuff. I've been there. 
     Here's where the autism comes in. There are several videos I love and find really funny. I have watched these videos so many times, I couldn't even tell you how many. With these, I find myself watching them over and over again multiple times in a day. It's usually when I get home after a long day, and I need something to make me feel better. I know her videos are going to make me laugh, and, since I've watched them so many times, they are predictable. Autism loves predictability lol. Don't get me wrong. I'll go out and try new things and be spontaneous if I want to be. However, at the end of the day, at least for this girl with autism, it's nice to have something predictable that I can control.....and something that makes me laugh. It's weird that even though I know what's going to happen, it still makes me laugh. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Happy Birthday, Blog!

     This is a very special blog post. The other day, I was reading my old blog posts and noticed that I wrote the first post for this blog exactly three years ago today. As I read over those old blog posts, I realized how much I've changed in those three years. I realized how much my Asperger's has changed. A lot has happened during that time. 
     One thing that happened shortly after September 2011 is I moved into my very own apartment and got a stable job. That was huge for me. Before that, my health kept me from working, which then meant I didn't have the money to live on my own. I've been living on my own ever since, and I've made it work. I can't say I'm completely on my own because my parents still help me out. However, I have a consistent job, and I have a place to call my own. 
     Another thing that has changed is my Asperger's. Three years ago, I was prone to high anxiety. I didn't really know how to go up to people and start a conversation and really had no desire to do so anyway. I was more prone to meltdowns and got overwhelmed easier. My senses were more hyper-vigilant. Sounds used to bother me a lot more. I used to be more of a picky eater. It wasn't as bad as when I was younger, but it was worse than it is now. When it came to my job working with kids, I used to get SO anxious at just the thought of having to take care of the kids by myself. 
     Three years later, things are a lot better. While I still deal with high anxiety at times, I'm now learning ways to manage it. I don't get overwhelmed nearly as easily anymore, and meltdowns are rare. Now, my meltdowns almost look like a normal girl having a "just because" cry lol. Obviously it's more complicated than that, but a person who didn't know me very well probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference. My overactive senses are getting better, too. Noises don't bother me as much as they used to. I don't know what I did to make that better. Maybe it was working with kids for so long haha. Speaking of working with kids, I feel like I've gotten so much better at my job. I'm not nearly as anxious when it comes to taking care of the kids by myself. I'm much more confident in myself, and my ability to do my job. I'm also getting better at eating different foods. I've become braver when it comes to trying new foods as well. I used to not even try new foods. Now I will, and I find I like a lot of things I thought I wouldn't.
     Most of all, there has been a huge change in the social part of my Asperger's. If you've kept up with this blog, you'll have read my posts about my improvements with social skills. I've learned what true empathy is. I'm constantly improving my skills on the give and take of conversation. I took a huge step about a year ago and started online dating. This is huge for me because of the past I have. Now, I'm talking to a really great guy.
     Most importantly, at least to me, is that I'm making new friends. Going through this process to join a social club has really brought me out of my shell. I've been working on that over the years and have gotten better at it since starting this blog. However, I feel like I've really blossomed over the last couple of weeks. I've met so many new people...and I love it! After taking a while to warm up at that first girl's night, it's becoming easier and easier to meet new people. In the past, after I got used to certain people, I would kind of stick with them in a group setting. The other night, at the second girl's night, I was braver. I still talked to the girls I already knew, but I also went up to new people and introduced myself. I've never done that as easily as I did that night! I love it! 
     It makes me feel good that this is getting easier because then it means people can get to know me easier. It's just the initial interaction with people that I have a hard time hurdling over. Once that's out of the way, it's easier. I'm working on it; it's getting better! People that know me best know that I'm definitely not shy and quiet. With new people, we just have to get past that first hurdle so you can get to know me and see for yourself just how cool I am ;)

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Unwritten Social Rule #1

     One of the unwritten social rules that many people with Asperger's have trouble with is knowing boundaries. It's not that we purposely ignore boundaries or don't want to respect them. It's most likely that we don't even know what the boundaries are in the first place. People with Asperger's are pretty good rule followers. Once we know the rules and boundaries, you can pretty much count on us to respect them.
     I sometimes feel that "typical" people have this radar, and they pick up on things I don't; like my radar is broken or something. "Typical" people seem to know, without being told, social boundaries. For example, they know when they've overstayed their welcome at someone's house or when it's not their place to say or do something. It can all be quite confusing actually.
     That's why we need people to tell us straightforward what they expect from us. We have to be told "Yes, that's ok" or "No, you shouldn't do that". You can't just assume we know what to do. If you start assuming, we may do something you consider rude without realizing it. We don't even realize what we've done could be considered rude unless you tell us. Then again, there is less room for error if we know what the boundaries are in the first place.
     However, when informing or correcting someone with Asperger's about a social situation, be understanding and gentle. We already have a hard time in social situations and trying to learn all these rules that come to others so naturally. The last thing we need is to feel bombarded or criticized or like we failed. We are the same as "typical" people when it comes to needing support, love, and encouragement. So when helping or correcting someone with Asperger syndrome, make sure it's out of love.

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Branching Out or A Leap of Faith

     Having Autism, it's really hard for me to meet new people. I can't just go up to someone and start a conversation with them. I'm not good at small talk, and I run out of questions to ask people about themselves or things to say. However, if people come up and talk to me first, I'm better at staying with the conversation. Since it's hard for me to meet people like others do, I don't know a lot of people on campus. It's kind of discouraging sometimes. I see people around me greeting each other and sitting together. They all seem to know each other. I wanted to be a part of that. There are social clubs at LCU. They are kind of like frats and sororities but not as strict and cliche-ish. It's just as the name implies, a SOCIAL club, a way to meet new people and have a community with others. I thought about joining one last year, but I didn't want to become overwhelmed since I had just started at LCU. Now, I'm ready. I want that community and sisterhood. I want to meet new people and make more friends. Also, it'll be easier this way because I won't be the only one that has to meet new people; it won't be all on me. 
     Last night, I went to the first meeting they had about joining the social clubs. The process is called RUSH, and it's kind of like a choosing and initiation process. It's a long process that's going to last all semester, but I think it's going to be worth it. One of the girls clubs invited us to a girls' night after the meeting. I thought to myself, "I have to go to that. What a great opportunity to make new friends! It'll also be a great opportunity to meet the people in this particular club, for them to get to know me before RUSH, and maybe for them to want me in their club." Maybe if I show them I want to hang out with them and get to know them, they'll be more likely to give me a bid (an invite to be in their club). Even if I don't end up in their club, I will have made some new friends. That's one of the things I want most of all. Win: Win! 
     I went, by myself I will add, to girls' night. I didn't know anyone. I mean, I'd seen some of the girls around campus but didn't know any of them personally. I was a little uneasy at first and a little slow to warm up, but the girls were really nice and welcoming. Many of them came up to me, which I need, and introduced themselves to me and talked to me. I met so many new people and had some awesome conversations. We made s'mores and had a great time! I even got invited to join them at next week's girls' night! I'm also friends with several of the girls on Facebook now. It felt so amazing to branch out and meet new people. Kelcy: 1 Autism: 0

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Sensory Overload: Meltdown Triggers

     The other day, I was reminded how even the littlest thing can trigger a meltdown sometimes. On this particular day, I had a pretty busy day. Work was pretty stressful. Even though I only worked until 2:30, I didn't have another teacher to help me. I know I can do it by myself, but it still makes me anxious. So that was an anxiety-provoking morning. Then I got to go home for a while, relax, and be by myself. This was good because it helps me unwind from all the overload I get from the outside world and people around me. 
     That evening, I went to a surprise dinner for a friend that was in town for Houston. She moved away a few months ago, and she finally came down for a visit! Other than her, me, and our other friend, there were a lot of parents of her old preschool kiddos there. (She's a preschool teacher). Most of them brought their kids. I'd seen most of them around since we used to work at the same preschool, but I didn't really know any of them. Our other friend was also her old aide, so she knew all the parents as well. They easily talked to everyone there. I only knew two of the parents, and that's not even very well. I talked to them some but not a lot. Most of the time, I sat there listening to everyone else talk, chiming in every once in a while if I had a relevant comment. Worse than being an Aspie in a room of unfamiliar people making small talk was that we were having dinner in a restaurant that also had arcade games. There were a lot of kids running around, yelling, lights going off, noises, so much sensory stimuli. It was crazy! I found myself spacing out a lot. 
     When we finally got out of there, I wanted some snacks. As I was headed to Walgreens, I passed a cop car that was parked outside a house. I hate emergency vehicle lights. They flash, and they're bright. I tried not to look at them, but I had to watch where I was driving. I was trying to watch the road out of the corner of my eye. I thought I was past it and looked up. I wasn't. The lights flashed right in my eyes! They were bright. They hurt my eyes and my head. I suspect normal people aren't even bothered by them, but they are like torture to me. When that happened and after all the other stuff that happened that day, I was pushed to my limit. I was in sensory overload, and I went into a meltdown. I started crying, and I was mad. I cried for a good 15 or 20 minutes. Sometimes, my meltdowns are longer than that. It just depends on how overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, sad, or mad I am. 
     When I think back to that day, I think about what that might look like to someone else. Sometimes, when a person with autism gets upset, it seems like it's the simplest thing that triggers a meltdown. However, "typical" people may not see the other things that are affecting the autistic person, causing that anxiety to rise until it explodes. It may not be just that one simple thing or even some big, dramatic event that's the trigger for a meltdown. Sometimes, it's the accumulation of little things that pile on top of each other until the person gets pushed over the edge. They can't take one more. With me, it wasn't just the police car lights; although, it might have seemed that way to someone had they been with me. That event just happened to make the pile tumble over. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~

Stigmatization of Autism

     In one of my psychology classes, we are talking about labeling and how certain labels put a stigma on people. There are obvious things that have stigmas associated with them, such as being a criminal, having a mental disorder, or committing certain sins. However, I never realized having autism could have such a stigma attached to it. I'm used to people being uneducated and unaware. I've been fighting that since my diagnosis. But I have only recently experienced people associate a negative stigma with my autism. 
     I recently started online dating. There are several reasons I decided to start dating this way, but I won't get into those today. Obviously, there are certain things you don't disclose to people right away. I decided from the beginning not to share that I have autism or bipolar disorder, as those are two things that I want to share when I know someone better. I have talked to a couple of guys and gotten to know them. When the opportunity presented itself, I would tell them about my autism. All but one of them stopped talking to me after that. The one that accepted it, we stopped talking for another reason. It really shocked me that these guys, on a Christian dating site who are supposed to be men of God, can't even accept that about me. It makes me think, "If they can't accept that I have autism, they definitely won't be able to accept that I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder has an even bigger negative stigma attached to it." In a way, it's very discouraging. That it's going to be hard for me to find someone who accepts me for who I am and everything that comes with me. I mean, I've always kind of been afraid of that, but the reactions of these guys is making it worse. 
     I just keep reminding myself that God has made someone that's just right for me and, in His perfect timing, I will find him. I have to trust Him. 

"I live in the same world you do; I just experience it differently. I am a human being with feelings, just like you; I just express them in my own way." ~Me~